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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Minnesota Vikings Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Minnesota Vikings

Record: 10-6. How? Good defense, Adrian Peterson, and blunt force of will by every person in Minnesota that isn’t a Packers fan. The Vikings’ downfall in the playoffs was that they did not have a great defense, nor a quarterback that was as good as Trent-fucking-Dilfer. Old news, but it needs to be said.

The Good: There’s a reason that Adrian Peterson went off the board first on 99.99999999999999999% of fantasy football drafts.

The only fantasy football players that didn’t draft him first were:

  • People who wanted to draft the running back of their own shitty team
  • People drafting a quarterback first
  • Mike McCarthy

AP is that good. Like, 2,097 yards good. He gathers up that much yardage on the ground even when every defense knows the Vikings playbook. Even I know the offensive playbook:

A) hand the ball off to #28

B) flip the ball back to #28

C) fake a hand-off to #28 in order to gridlock the box, then toss underhand to #28

The Bad: When your offense is based around one player, bad things happen when that player goes down. Just look at the 2011 season.

Ok, maybe that’s a bad example. Everyone got hurt that season.

The Ugly: The old Vikings Stadium, aka Mall of America Field aka Metrodome, is one of the ugliest stadiums ever built in sports. It reminds me of a squishy toilet seat that my great-grandmother had. It’s old, lumpy, and has some weird brown stains on the top of it.


The Vikings organization heard, and decided to go a totally different route in building a new stadium: faux art shit-shingles.


Some people think it looks like a Jawa Sandcrawler from Star Wars, and it does, but I feel like I need a different reference, so I’m going with Superman Fortress of Solitude. Considering how far north Minneapolis is, I may not be that far off.

The Fans: Whenever I think of “Up North” states, I instantly think of the movie Fargo. That’s not very fair. At least, I hope that accent is just for Dakotans. What I do know is that there are alot of tall women in Minnesota. It must be where all the Swedish go to live because it’s the closest climate to the region of Scandanavia.

Fun Fact: Sage Rosenfels retired and has a fucking Facebook account. AND HE BEFRIENDED ME! Sage Rosenfels has now become my favorite quarterback of all time. Why? Because he was able to play a game he loved, get out of it in a healthy condition with a pile of money, and now can post updates about being retired at 35 years old. I love him and hate him at the same time.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).