Follow Our Updates!
  • Facebook
  • RSS Feed for Posts
  • Twitter

NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: New England Patriots Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: New England Patriots

Record: 12-4, along with their annual Tom Brady Super Bowl run. AND THEY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING RAVENS!

The Good: Uggs-plugging, Bieber-haired “MY MAN-PANTS ARE IN THE HAMPER” Tom Brady once again proved his position in the tier of elite quarterbacks by consistently throwing the ball to Wes Welker in situations where it was surprising that Welker’s head wasn’t ripped clean off by a linebacker. It’s just another reason for me to hate Brady. I’m glad Welker ran off to the Broncos. At least there he might retire from the NFL with all of his limbs still attached to the rest of his body.


The Bad: Once again, the Patriots did their best impersonation of the Cobra Kai in The Karate Kid when Tom Brady decided to try out his karate skills on Ravens safety Ed Reed.

Patriots fans wonder why other fans want Brady to get hurt so bad? It’s not all about being jealous of his talent. It’s also about being jealous of how he gets away with shit like this.


And after this, what do the Patriots do to get back some sort of public acceptance? They let Tim Tebow hang around their practice team for the summer because, you know, the Patriots are all about WWJD.

The Ugly: The Patriots are a hard team to mock. Not because they are so insanely perfect in every way. Far from it. The problem is that their shittiness is like a long, never-ending stereotype. Kind of like an 80s comedy, except you’re not rooting for them to find a way.

The Patriots are kind of like SNL in the early millennium: boring and obvious. They have their gay jokes like Rob Gronkowski dancing shirtless and wanting to take Tebow’s virginity, “my wife wears the pants” references, and now they have their own OJ. AARON HERNANDEZ, HIGH ON PCP! It’s too much.

The Fans: Patriots fans in general are hard to deal with. When they win, they’re unbearable. When they lose it’s a fix and they won’t say another word about it except to say some shit like “KISS THE RINGS BITCH” or “YANKEES SUCK” if someone mocks their team. Seriously, “YANKEES SUCK” baseball chants…at a football game.

To be fair, one of my best friends lives in the Boston area, and he has slowly gained a sense of humor. Either that, or he’s just trying to appease me.

Fun Fact: If Mo Lewis didn’t take out Drew Bledsoe in 2001 then Tom Brady would have never become a starting quarterback, the Patriots would have never won the Super Bowl, the Red Sox would have never willed themselves to win a World Series to keep their place as the city’s favorite gang of sports goons, Bob Kraft would have moved the team to London because he thinks American football is internationally marketable, and Bill Belichick would have suited up and gone into  military strategy with the DoD.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).