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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: New York Giants Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: New York Giants

Record: 9-7. With one mediocre season in the books after a Super Bowl win, the Giants only need to do horribly this season so that fans can scream, “FIRE COUGHLIN” throughout the off-season, which will then energize the Giants to win the Super Bowl again the next year.

A line of seasons with the Giants works like clockwork when dealing with crabs. Wet, lather, rinse, repeat.

The Good: ELI MANNING DOESN’T KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD PRESSURE! While it may be that Eli Manning never learn to SPELL the word pressure, he knows what it means. It means being yelled at by his father Archie while his brother Peyton pelts him in the head with footballs in elementary school. It’s living in Hoboken, NJ because it’s as far away as you can live from MetLife Stadium and still ride to games on your tricycle. It’s that “AW SHUCKS” moment when you attempt a left-handed red-zone pass with 2 linebackers hanging on you and it is promptly intercepted.



Eli Manning knows pressure. He just happens to drool at the sight of it. It’s definitely a different demeanor than, say, Rich Gannon, and it has brought him a lot more Super Bowl rings.

The Bad: Andre Brown was supposed to be the next battering ram for the Giants, but he broke his leg in the process. But don’t worry! David Wilson has answered the bell, and promises that, if the team needs him to be tossed over the goal line like a rag doll by Chris Snee, he’ll be ready. Big Blue Wrecking Crew indeed.

The Ugly: The Giants finished 31st in defense last season. Yes, there are only 32 NFL teams. But have no fear. Jason Pierre-Paul is TALKING VERY LOUDLY ABOUT NEW PLAYERS STEPPING UP TO THE TABLE SO THAT THE GIANTS CAN BE GOOD LIKE THEY WERE 2 YEARS AGO. You know, when JPP and Justin Tuck was 2 years younger and could break through an offensive line.

The Fans: Some people give Giants fans shit for calling their team the New York FOOTBALL Giants. This is actually a necessity in a city that has way too many sports teams, including the ones that left for the West Coast. Most New York BASEBALL Giants fans became Mets fans, and the tradition of fandom is:

  • Yankees/Dodgers-Football Giants-Rangers-Knicks
  • Mets/Baseball Giants-Jets-Islanders/Fuck hockey-Nets/Fuck basketball

Fun Fact: The New York Giants are only one of 2 sports teams who plays all home games in a different state. The other team is the New York Jets. This means that the only legitimate team in New York is the Buffalo Bills, and even they play one home game a year in Canada.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).