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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Philadelphia Eagles Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Record: 4-12. But don’t worry, Andy Reid won’t be eating your cheesesteaks anymore. He has moved on to KC BBQ, where Kansas VS Missouri is almost as compelling a rivalry as Pat’s VS Geno’s.

This season, the Eagles will be able to lose solely based on their lack of talent.

The Good: Michael Vick didn’t injure himself during playbook meetings, so that’s a positive. LeSean McCoy still has three concussions to go before he is forced into retirement. That’s a positive, too. Who knows, maybe DeSean Jackson is in a contract year and he’ll make some sort of effort so he can have another payday. Oh, it’s a “virtual” contract year, meaning all his guaranteed money has dried up, so either he’ll be traded or sulk about how he isn’t paid enough…again.

The Bad: As if having a defense with enough gaping holes to let an elderly Barry Sanders run through wasn’t bad enough, the Eagles decided that they needed their offense to seem as bad as their defense. To fix that, they went ahead and drafted the next dud out of USC, Matt Barkley.

The Ugly: No season with the Eagles can be considered a true NFL season without someone acting like a fucktard. This year’s fucktard: Riley Cooper!

I’m not sure what was uglier, Riley Cooper’s cutoff jean shorts, sleeveless flannel shirt, how a racial slang rolled off his tongue so easily, or the fact that he is a fan of Kenny Chesney.



However, if the Eagles play this off just right, they may be able to turn it into a positive on the gridiron, even if that means sacrificing Riley Cooper’s blood to the football gods…literally.

The Fans: I don’t know why Philly fans get such a bad rap. Any group of people that can sit in the stands of their home team’s stadium and wait patiently forever and burst out into “FLY EAGLES FLY” when the Eagles actually score are some hardcore fans. The problem is when the fans get so drunk that they start singing the song for first downs, too.

Fun Fact: Geno’s Steaks in Philly has a sign that reads:


The worst thing about this is that I actually like Geno’s cheesesteaks better. Something to do with raw onions versus grilled. does that make me an elitist douche?

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).