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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: San Francisco 49ers Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

baltimore_ravens2013

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Record: 11-4-1. A stunning change of quarterbacks. An exciting run through the playoffs. A heartbreaking defeat in the Super Bowl that even an overplayed blackout couldn’t fix. GET ME JIM HARBAUGH’S FINGERPRINTS!

The Good: Colin Kaepernick has taken the limelight of elite, mobile quarterbacks, and it only took him 7 regular season starts and a Super Bowl loss to do it. I’ll give that a slow clap. A slow clap that never becomes a group clap, but a slow clap nonetheless.

Frank Gore is also raring to go as the gigantic rhino running back that he is. He just looks mean, all the time. It’s as if he wants to fumble the ball so that he can go hit somebody.

The Bad: Kaepernick better be mobile this season, because he doesn’t have anyone to throw to for awhile.kaepernick_gq

  • Michael Crabtree: out until at least Week 6
  • Mario Manningham: out until at least Week 6
  • Anquan Boldin is 100 years old

This means that Kaepernick may have to actually look Vernon Davis’ way before he runs the ball himself.

The Ugly: Isn’t GQ a magazine for men? Yet they continually put half-naked men on the cover for some odd reason and call it “FOR FASHION!” I’m sorry, but I am too self conscious to bring a magazine featuring Colin Kaepernick ripping off his jacket to show off his beefcakedness up to the register, nevermind pay for it and have it laying around my house. Or bringing it into the bathroom for reading while I take a massive shit.

The Fans: I have a friend who is a Niners fan. I didn’t know this until 2 years ago when, you know, the 49ers became relevant again. Before that, I didn’t hear a peep out of a Niners fan since 1995, which just so happened to be their last Super Bowl win.

Fun Fact: Colin Kaepernick isn’t the only Niners quarterback who can run. STEVIE HAD WHEELS, TOO! WHAT A GREAT, CLUMSY RUN!

 

 

 

 

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).