The 2013 NFL season begins this week, and what better way to celebrate than to analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
Since this the first week, we can’t actually give away an official weekly award for Most Ridiculous Player. Instead we unofficially award the entire New York Jets team. They didn’t have to wait until the last half of the last game of the preseason to score a touchdown. They scored in the first quarter of the first game! MOST IMPROVED! CLAP HANDS!
Thursday, September 5th
Baltimore Ravens @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 7.5
The Super Bowl XLVII-winning Ravens begin their quest for a repeat, and what better way to start off than to…have an away game in Denver?
The Ravens were forced to become the first Super Bowl winners to start the following season on the road because the Baltimore Orioles had a home game, too, and refused to shift things around to help out a sports team that actually brought a few championships to the city in the past decade. Yes, the Orioles are in a playoff race, but it’s not as if they’re going to do anything with it. Then again, maybe the great city of Baltimore thinks the Ravens are going to tank this season like the rest of us do. They lost Anquan Boldin to that other Harbaugh, Pitta is injured, Ray Lewis danced into retirement, and Ed Reed went and made the Houston Texans the baddest defense in the league. That’s a tough order to refill.
On the other side of the field, the Denver Broncos have issues of their own. Peyton Manning got a shiny new toy to throw to, Wes Welker aka Tom Brady’s field pacifier. Unfortunately, their running back situation has become messier than John Elway’s hairdo, and their defense has been hit with injuries, suspensions, and difficulty understanding how a fax machine works.
Peyton Manning has his revenge, like he always does in the regular season. A repeat match-up in the playoffs is another debate entirely.
Sunday, September 8th
New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Patriots by 11
With Wes Welker being a slutty receiver by playing with Peyton Manning, Rob Gronkowski injured at the moment, and Aaron Hernandez charged with 1st degree murder, you would think that the Patriots would be in a little bit of trouble. The only real receiver Tom Brady has to throw to is Danny Amendola, who will probably be triple covered every time he steps onto the field. Now is the time for Brady to prove he really is a leader, and not just Bill Belichick’s cabin boy
The Bills don’t have such problems like “Is our quarterback as good as he used to be.” They barely have a quarterback. Rookie E.J. Manuel was injured and appears back, probably because an injured, unproven rookie quarterback is still better than Matt Leinart. Look for C.J. Spiller to carry the rock 3/4 of the time, and only fumble 1/4 of that.
Patriots cover, and may even break a Bills quarterback in the melee.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 3
Red Rocket Andy Dalton is prepared, once again, to take the Bengals all the way to the playoffs, where they will probably be swept back into the off-season by the Texans. His future seems to rest in the ability to actually utilize the second coming of Chad Johnson, aka A.J. Green.
Jay Cutler, on the other hand, doesn’t have to worry about the playoffs. Why would he want to? It would just be another game or two where he would get banged around by defenses.
Bengals win and cover Jay Cutler with every player of their defensive line.
Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Browns by 1
Two mediocre teams enter. Only one will leave worse than mediocre.
The Dolphins finally have what they always wanted: a speedy wide receiver that had gotten tired of the cold, dark bleakness of Pennsylvania and make the move to Miami. It’s kind of like Will Smith, except Mike Wallace probably raps even worse.
Speaking of cold, dark bleakness, have you ever been to Cleveland? Don’t worry, no one else has either, which is why their sophomore year quarterback is already old enough to get an age discount on car insurance.
Flip a coin to see which team literally drops the ball and the game. Literally. I’ll go with the Dolphins.
Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 5
Adrian Peterson is officially on a quest to break Eric Dickerson’s single season rushing record of 2,105 yards. I guess being all official about it will make up for those 8 yards he didn’t get that would have tied the record last year. It’s not as if there’s anyone on the Vikings to take away AP’s touches. They even got rid of Percy Harvin to make sure Christian Ponder wouldn’t get any ideas about throwing the football.
On the flipside, the Lions are the exact opposite as far as offense. Their only offense is Matthew Stafford heaving the football as far as he can while Megatron chases after it. This connection is probably worth 5 times more than the entire city of Detroit. And people wonder why the city went bankrupt.
Vikings win, but the city of Detroit wins with a bump in tourism.
Oakland Raiders @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts by 11
I can’t tell if the Raiders are cleaning house or building for the future. I don’t think team management knows which. They keep Carson Palmer around for a year to yell at their offensive line, play Three-card Monte with opposing teams using their quarterbacks, dump the only guy that can catch the ball sometimes with Darrius Heyward-Bey, and leave Darren McFadden in the backfield in the hopes that he becomes a poor man’s Adrian Peterson. If there was ever a time that zombie Al Davis would rise from the grave, it’s now.
Meanwhile, the Colts hope that Heyward-Bey was merely depressed in Oakland, picking him up to start in front of T.Y. Hilton in order to give the Amish Avenger a target to throw to besides the elderly Reggie Wayne.
Colts cover. No line is too big for them to cover on the Raiders.
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 3
Some sports analysts are touting the Falcons as the team ready to take it all this year. AGAIN. Finally, they filled that gaping hole in their running game, aka Michael Turner, with St. Louis’ only offensive threat, Steven Jackson. The holy trinity of passing, running, and defense is complete, which means that they may actually make it to the NFC Conference Championship this year.
The Saints added some strength in a position of their own: coaching. Yes, Sean Payton is back from his suspension due to Bountygate, and analysts think he’s worth about 3 wins from last year, which would put the Saints into the playoffs.
At home, with a new old coach ready to prove he still knows football, I’ll pick the Saints. Barely.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New York Jets
LINE: Buccaneers by 4
The Buccaneers should be able to beat the Jets. They have a balanced offense and defense, whereas the Jets have what seems to be a good defense and a practice squad offense.
The Buccaneers should be beat a lot of teams. The problem is, they don’t. Josh Freeman should have shook off his sophomore slump. The problem is, he didn’t. Darrelle Revis should be a steal for the Bucs. The problem is, he probably won’t be.
The Jets? Well, they don’t know who their quarterback is, they don’t know who their running back is, they don’t know who their receivers are, and they probably don’t know who their coach will be for next year. What they do know is that BUTTFUMBLE still hasn’t disappeared.
I pick the Jets because, really, who knows with either of these teams?
Tennessee Titans @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 8
If there is one thing we can be sure of, it is that quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick won’t have more rushing yards than Chris Johnson by week 3. This isn’t because Chris Johnson raced a cheetah and probably lost (we won’t know until November). This is because Ryan Fitzpatrick and his beard have moved down the Appalachian trail to be the backup quarterback of the Titans. Well, probably the eventual starting quarterback, but we must keep up appearances.
The Steelers have something to be sure of, too: Ben Roethlisberger will attempt to throw the ball to Antonio Brown 500 times a game. I say attempt because, along with other receivers, running backs, and defense, the offensive line of the Steelers has more problems with protection than a sorority girl in a public restroom with Big Ben himself. Yes, that never gets old.
If you’re giving me a pile of points, I’m taking the Titans.
Seattle Seahawks @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Seahawks by 4
The Seahawks have a ritual, a time-tested cycle of winning just enough to keep fans interested so that they can make sure that Seattle keeps its high suicide rate when the Seahawks crash and burn. This is one of those crash and burn years. The read-option quarterback is being fed to the wolves by the NFL. Marshawn Lynch has hit a ceiling in rushing yards. Add that to the fact that the Seahawks paid a few draft picks and a pile of money to watch Percy Harvin stand around in a lower-body cast and you have a team ready to drop down a few pegs. But don’t worry, coach and official huggy-bear Pete Carroll will be their to console his players.
The Panthers don’t have to worry about all of this “There’s no way they’ll be that good this year” talk. They’ve already been through it last year. Aspirations were crushed. Cam Newton got a face full of kryptonite. All is well in Charlotte.
I pick the Seahawks. Surely some of that amazing defense isn’t on Adderall.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Chiefs by 4
This, right here, is the most exciting game of the week. Screw the big rematches like “49ers VS Packers” and “Ravens VS Broncos.” Chiefs VS Jaguars is the game to see, as this game will tell which team improved in the off-season, and which team didn’t bother getting out of bed.
The Chiefs have their latest cast-off quarterback from the 49ers in Alex Smith and latest KC BBQ connoisseur in Andy Reid. The Jaguars have a seemingly healthy Maurice Jones-Drew ready to show teams that he’s worth a big payday. These 2-14 teams maybe both be good enough to drop the Raiders into the basement together!
I pick the Chiefs to cover. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Rams by 5
Oh, goddammit. I thought the NFC West had found their two stud teams, therefore sending the other two teams off to London and Tokyo, consecutively. But no, that was not to be. The Cardinals and Rams are still around.
The Cardinals went off and picked up their latest Kurt Warner wannabe, Carson Palmer, out of the Raiders’ trash. Now he will have no excuse to throw touchdowns because he has Larry Fitzgerald. Unless he starts complaining about how his offensive line sucks and how he can’t throw the ball when he’s being clothes-lined by a linebacker. Fucking baby…
The Rams, on the other hand, are trying to get better by subtraction, as in, getting rid of Steven Jackson. I’ll let you know how that works out for them. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.
I pick the Cardinals to at least win with the points, because the Rams don’t deserve any points at all, even if this is the only game they are favored in.
Green Bay Packers @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 5
Holy shit, did Jim Harbaugh start hanging out with Jesse “The Body” Ventura? Obviously, the NFL should only allow a quarterback to get hit if he crosses the line of scrimmage after faking a hand-off in read-option plays because, shit, THAT’S A CONSPIRACY TO KEEP THE 49ERS OUT OF THE SUPER BOWL, MAN! I have one word for you, my angry little man: blackout. Now you’re even.
Besides, with a ripped body like that, kissing his biceps in celebration of his strength, isn’t it fair that Colin Kaepernick gets a chance to kiss those biceps on a hospital bed?
The Packers, on the other hand, are out for revenge because Aaron Rodgers deserves to have a Super Bowl ring on every finger because only Green Bay knows what football is since their legendary coach IS the trophy. If I had my way, both of these teams would float out to sea during this game.
I pick the Packers. Colin Kaepernick won’t have to run a read-option, because he doesn’t have any options to throw to.
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 3
Well, it’s time to spin that giant carnival wheel to see which Tony Romo we will see today. Will it be obnoxiously playful Tony, scoring at will and making Jerry Jones a proud papa on his stadium throne? Will it be seriously serious Romo, grinding out the game to the last moment? Or will it be Tony Uh-Oh, throwing multiple interceptions, fumbling in the red zone, and hopping out of the pocket after being pantsed by a linebacker. Only the wheel knows for sure!
The Giants, well, they’re locked in to another depressing season of receiver troubles, broken running backs, ancient defensive lines, and Eli Manning looking like he was just asked to dictate the Magna Carta backwards in Swahili. But don’t worry, fans will call for Coughlin’s job, he’ll respond by leading the Giants to a defeat of the Patriots in the Super Bowl next year, and we can repeat the process all over again.
The Giants haven’t won their first game when it’s on the road since 1999, so I’ll stick with history and pick the Cowboys.
Monday, September 9th
Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 3
There are a pile of sports analysts that think RG3 is going to surprise us all by running out of the gate full steam ahead and proving the haters wrong. I believe it, too. He’ll come running out of the gate, trip, and wreck his knee again. He may want to take a page from his rival quarterback, Michael Vick, who may or may not injure himself putting on his pads.
Luckily, RG3 won’t have to go full steam ahead against the Eagles, who are having a hard enough time keeping their own defense from beating the crap out of this year’s dumb-ass, Riley Cooper. Then again, if they act antagonistic against one racist douchebag, how will they react to a whole team named by a racist douchebag?
I pick the Redskins, or Washington Racists, or whatever this team is called these days.
Houston Texans @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Texans by 4
One of the top defenses in the league goes up against one of the absolute worst offenses of the league. If there was ever to be a presentation game for the Houston Texans and San Diego Chargers, it would be this game.
Unfortunately, Ravens safety turncoat Ed Reed may be limited in the game, giving Philip Rivers absolutely no excuse when he throws 3 picks.
I pick Texans, all day.