The 2013 NFL season continues analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
This week’s MRP goes to Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh. In a mere 16 minutes of the 2013 season, Suh racked up $100,000 in fines for low-blocking Vikings center John Sullivan during a pick 6 (which was nullified).
At this rate, Suh will be paying the Lions for game time instead of vice versa.
Thursday, September 12th
New York Jets @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 12
It’s been a little less than 10 months, but the last time the Jets and Patriots played each other was the birth of BUTTFUMBLE, and it has yet to be forgotten.
Now BUTTFUMBLE will be on the sidelines as rookie quarterback Geno Smith takes the helm of the Jets offense to help the team cast off BUTTFUMBLE, or create a buttfumble of his own.
On the opposite side of the field, Tom Brady’s receiving corp talent gets more and more miniscule, to the point that they may actually be worse than the Jets practice team-turned starting players.
I’ll take the Patriots covering, because a game against the Buccaneers doesn’t really count as improvement for the Jets.
Sunday, September 15th
St. Louis Rams @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 7
The Rams finally look legitimate for the first game of the season! So what if their defensive line was up against arguably the worst pass protection in the league. A win is a win, and those are always a nice surprise in St. Louis. Almost as surprising in St. Louis as the knowledge that they still have a team.
The Falcons were on the losing end of what was supposed to be a high profile offensive game. Instead, Matt Ryan fell to the power of the Rob Ryan (no relation, not that it would matter) and all the Falcons weapons seem depleted already.
Still, It’s hard to think the Falcons won’t try to make up for sucking last week with some explosions at their home opener. I pick the Falcons.
Carolina Panthers @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Panthers by 2
Cam Newton didn’t live up to his Superman nickname last week. Probably because the Seahawks are the same color as kryptonite.
Besides that shitty joke, he should be able to do some damage to the Bills defense, who seemed to have a knack for corralling pocket-passers, but little else.
The Bills seem to be up to their normal game play: new quarterback, C.J. Spiller fumbling, Stevie Johnson becoming more and more like Terrell Owens in attitude but not talent, and a loss. Let’s see if they go for #2.
I pick that they do, and the Panthers.
Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 7
I could talk about Christian Ponder, but really, what can be said that hasn’t been said over and over again. As Adrian Peterson goes, so do the Minnesota Vikings almost go. AP ran for 93 yards. Not exactly the numbers he needs to start with to break Eric Dickerson’s season rushing record. That MUST be why they lost.
The Bears? Well, Jay Cutler didn’t die behind center, so that’s a good start to the season.
I pick the Bears, because bears are scarier than Jesus in any color.
Washington Redskins @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 9
It seems that all the fears about Robert Griffin III never being able to walk anymore/extend the pocket. I know, paralysis is a little extreme, but not when you’re talking about mobile quarterbacks. Still, RG3 eventually came around and was at least able to throw check-downs. The deep ball, not so much.
Now they go to Green Bay in the hopes that the Packers defense forgot that they were schooled all day by Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers. Considering Clay Matthews’ Slap-Happy Hulk Rage, I doubt that’s possible.
Give me the points and the Redskins.
Miami Dolphins @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts by 3
If there is one thing you have to like about Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehil, it’s that he’s a leader. Receiver whining about not getting throws? Fuck him. Make the receiver get open. This isn’t the Miami “Let’s Get Mike Wallace the Damn Ball.” This is the Miami Dolphins, and just because they got a new, cutesy logo doesn’t mean they don’t have some sort of honor.
The Colts have become the latest team to invoke the wrath of the too involved owner, with Jim Irsay DEMANDING the Colts give Andrew Luck better protection. Next thing you know he’ll be trying to get an even bigger stadium than the new stadium he got. He’s already looking like the general manager these past few seasons.
I pick the Colts, because they’re home. And people are afraid of Amish Avengers.
Dallas Cowboys @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 3
You gotta hand it to Tony Romo. He didn’t lose the game! How about that. He had plenty of chances to blow it in the final minutes of last week’s game against the Giants, but he didn’t. Instead, he passed his RAIDS off to Eli Manning.
The Chiefs did well in their first game with Captain Checkdown Alex Smith, winning 50% of the games they won last season. Jamaal Charles got hurt already, but it was a bruise. I get bruised running into furniture in the dark, and you don’t see me crying. He’ll play, but I don’t trust the Chiefs yet, especially when Dwayne Bowe seems to be running fly routes just for the cardio.
I’m picking the Cowboys until the Chiefs prove otherwise.
San Diego Chargers @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 9
It looks like the Chargers finally stopped jacking it in San Diego and decided to play football. They didn’t actually beat the Texans last week, but they came close. It took a Philip Rivers special to lose like they were supposed to.
The Eagles surprised everyone, too, rolling with the Chip Kelly offense at at speed that tired out both the offense and defense.
I pick the Chargers, only because that’s a lot of points that even the Eagles shouldn’t be able to cover.
Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 7
The Brown looked like the Browns last week against the Dolphins. They couldn’t run, throw, catch, win, coach, sleep, really just about anything. There should be more of the same this week.
The Ravens were run over by the Peyton Manning Show in Denver last week, showing just how bad the team was. Does this mean the Ravens are that horrible, or that the Broncos are that good?
The Ravens are still good against the run and can score, so I’ll take the Ravens.
Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 11
The Titans beat the Steelers in one of the ugliest games of the week. This must have something to do with those teams literally being the ugliest in the league.
The Texans aren’t quite so ugly. Or quite as old at every position, especially since Ed Reed is still out. Their defense is a bit ugly considering how the Chargers burned them for most of the game, but let’s give them a mulligan.
I’ll take the Texans, because the titans just don’t have much to score with.
Detroit Lions @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Lions by 1
The Lions seem to finally have that running game that everyone wished they had. Well, since Barry Sanders, but now they have someone who can run the ball, another guy that can throw the ball, and even a third guy that can catch the ball! How about that! The Lions may actually be a full-blown football team!
The Cardinals seem pretty flush with a passing offense in Carson Palmer, Larry Fitzgerald, and Michael Floyd, but their offensive line may allow Ndamukong Suh to actually rip Palmer’s arm off by the end of this game, thus drawing another fine.
I pick the Lions, because they probably won’t be as depressed as they are in their home town.
New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Saints by 4
It looks like Sean Peyton is back as the coach of the Saints but, really, who the fuck cares? ROB RYAN IS IN DA HOOOOOOUUUUUSSSSE!
Watching Rob Ryan is usually more entertaining than the actual football game, but it does look like the Saints improved in their pass rush without needing a bounty.
The Bucs? Well, they lost to the Jets. They botched a snap through the end zone. Doug Martin was a non-factor. It was fun to watch, for the wrong reason.
I pick the Saints, because, seriously, the Bucs?
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 6
It looked like this season was going to be the same old horrible Jaguars. Bad quarterback wasting a great running back behind a bad offensive line and a worse defense. Luckily, Blaine Gabbert only took 1 game to get injured and give Chad Henne a chance to throw it downfield to… (let’s see who the best receiver is) CECIL SHORTS! HOORAY!
The Raiders seem to suck just a little less than last year with Terrelle Pryor under center and an even shittier receiving corps by making it a game against the Colts. Who knows, maybe they can pull of a win this time?
I pick the Jaguars. Maybe I’m drunk, but Maurice Jones-Drew is on my fantasy team, so I have to believe he’ll get some touches, i.e. the Jaguars won’t get blown out so badly that they need to constantly throw it.
Denver Broncos @ New York Giants
LINE: Broncos by 5
Oh look, it’s the Manning Bowl! Two brother’s enter, one brother doesn’t come around Archie during the holidays.
Let’s be fair here. Sure, Peyton field-slapped the Ravens last week while Eli Romo-ed his game against the Cowboys in the last few minutes, but they both put up insane numbers. And Eli has more Super Bowl rings.
Sadly, Eli and the Giants won’t win this game, with out without points. Bring on Manningface!
San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks by 3
As if Jim Harbaugh calling out Clay Matthews for bitch-slapping another player wasn’t obnoxious enough, we now have 49ers “space-filler when Gore needs a break”/running back Anthony Dixon calling the Seahawks “The SHE-hawks” on Twitter. Sure, Tony you can say that while you didn’t get the ball 1 time last week. Good for you.
The Seahawks will have a tough game, considering how rough a time they had with, of all teams, the Panthers. But it’s the same type of quarterback contain situation, so they just may be able to get it done at home.
I pick the Seahawks. Hesitantly, but picked.
Monday, September 16th
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 8
Okay, I dealt with these shitty Steelers last time, and I thought they would at least win, but not blow out the titans. I was wrong. They lost. Now they’re a huge underdog against the Bengals, which means that it’s the Bengals’ turn to shit the bed.
So I’m picking the Steelers. Not to win. Which means that they probably will to spite me.