The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
This week’s MRP wasn’t awarded to a player. Instead, it was awarded to the Cleveland Browns organization, particularly CEO Joe Banner (no relation to Bruce Banner) after trading Trent Richardson, #3 overall pick in the 2012 draft, to the Indianapolis Colts for a 1st round pick next year.
Banner explained, “I think it puts us in a very good position to have made some real progress with the team in this off-season to be in very good cap shape going into next season.” Yes, because pulling the plug on an elite power running back after 1 season with some of the worst quarterbacks in the league isn’t too soon to start rebuilding again.
This season is doomed for the Browns. Again.
Special runner-up to the MRP (our MRP until just yesterday) was 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick for his awful game against the Seahawks, as well as this awful picture where Kaepernick’s biceps look about as large as Andy Dick’s.
See Kaep run. See Kaep throw. See Kaep… fall.
Thursday, September 19th
Kansas City Chiefs @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 3
It only took 3 weeks to get us into nostalgia mode with Andy Reid. Now, instead of an insanely high-scoring football game between the Chiefs and the Eagles, we have to hear a bunch of players talk about how much of a father figure Reid was. Did he have a pipe to go with that stache and glasses and talk to players next to a fireplace in his study?
To be fair, Andy Reid isn’t disgustingly obese. He just wears those stupid jumpsuits and utility harnesses as if he wants people to think he is.
I’ll pick the under on Andy Reid’s weight being 250 pounds. And I’ll also pick the Chiefs.
Sunday, September 22nd
Green Bay Packers @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Packers by 1
Granted, the Bengals have a decent offense and defense, but to think they have what it takes to keep up with the Packers is just ridiculous. The Bengals played against 4 people this past week: Ben Roethlisberger, Emmanuel Sanders, Antonio Brown, and Ike Taylor. They won by only 10 points.
Here come the Packers with Aaron Rodgers putting out a Manning Day last week with 5,000 yards and 100 touchdowns. The Bengals better have been practicing for Green Bay instead of the Steelers 2 weeks ago if they want to have a chance.
Packers all the way in this one, even if A.J. Green gets his usual 5 touchdowns.
St. Louis Rams @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 4
It’s hard to believe in the Rams. Their receivers don’t exactly scream Pro Bowl, along with their S-JAX replacement running back and ultra-minority quarterback Sam Bradford. Still, they’re 1-1 so far, so what do I know?
The Cowboys are hard to believe in to, but at least their fans do, no matter how bad Tony Romo plays. The Rams don’t even have fans to believe in them, just Jeff Fisher’s moustache.
I’ll pick the Cowboys, considering the game is in Sith emperor/Jerry Jones’ house.
San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 3
I give up. The first game could have been a fluke (even if they didn’t win), but the second game made me a mediocre Philip Rivers believer. Considering how the Chargers seemed to lose 4 in a row under Norv Turner this season, they just may limp into the playoffs.
Okay, that’s a little insane, but they’ll at least go 2-1. The Titans don’t really have much to scare balanced teams. They beat the Steelers. Good for them.
I pick the Chargers.
Cleveland Browns @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 6
What do you do when your 29 year old starting quarterback, who you drafted last year, gets injured? If you’re the Browns, you trade your #3 draft pick running back from last year, drag Willis McGahee out of the doctor’s office, and have the balls to say that you aren’t tanking the season to get into the Johnny Football sweepstakes.
What do you do when you have arguably the greatest running back in the history of the NFL? If you’re the Minnesota Vikings, you run him until his feet are nubs.
I pick the Vikings. AD ALL DAY!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 8
The Buccaneers have problems on offense. Josh Freeman is 3 steps away from becoming a full-season BUTTFUMBLE (I’m sorry, I really tried not to say it), leaving it up to Doug Martin to run. Their defense is still good, especially since Dashon Goldson was only fined $100,000, giving him a chance to give one of the Patriots a concussion this week.
The Patriots have problems on offense, too. Gisele was wrong. Tom Brady does have to do everything, especially this season so far with the rest of his offense hurt or shitty. They’re even considering T.O. now. Yup, it’s that bad. Still, they’re 2-0. Barely.
I pick the Buccaneers to cover, and hope that Freeman doesn’t score any points in the wrong end-zone.
Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 9
Carson Palmer has to be a little bit happier. His receivers are better, his defense is better, and he is better. The problem is, so is the rest of the NFC East. It’s like his time in Cincinnati all over again.
The Saints are at the top of their division, but even they need to be a little better, if only to show the rest of the NFL that they can be contenders in the playoffs.
I pick the Cardinals to cover.
Detroit Lions @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 1
Surprisingly, Ndamukong Suh did not gather any fines this past week. He did, however, gather more heat from the rest of the NFL by referring to offensive linemen as gnats. Those must be some big gnats, since he has yet to record a sack this season.
Due to listening to Matthew Berry too much this week, I believe the Washington Professional Football Team are in the midst of a re-adjustment year with RG3. I know, it’s painful to think about, but it’s either “re-adjust” or send RG3 home in a wheelchair at the end of the year. They’ll win, but not this week. And I will refer to them as the Washington Football Team until they win a game.
I pick the Lions. the Washington Football Team label continues. Suck on that, Snyder.
New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 1
The Giants continue their quest to win their tri-annual Super Bowl championship this week after Eli Manning out-did his Week 1 performance by throwing 4 interceptions in Week 2. Kudos to you, sir. They’ll be calling for Coughlin’s job yet.
The Panthers are still looking for their second Super Bowl visit. Unfortunately, it seems that defenses have fully caught up with read-option quarterbacks, so Cam Newton’s Superman status has officially been thwarted by Lex Luthor disguised as every defensive coordinator in the league.
I pick the Giants to win one for the Gipper.
Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Texans by 1
The Texans are really slacking this year. Last year, they said goodbye to Peyton Manning in their division. Then they said goodbye to most of the Ravens team, giving the Texans a chance to be the best defense in the league. Unfortunately, Matt Schaub has issues with things being easy.
The Ravens contended with the birth of Joe Flacco’s child last weekend and still managed to win. How boring does a team have to be when the highlight of the weekend is a baby? If Ray Lewis were around, he probably would have eaten that baby to rile the team up.
Ugh. I pick the Texans. No, Ravens. Rexans?
Atlanta Falcons @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 1
The Matty Ice Show was amazing last week, even with the loss of S-JAX. It’s not as if S-JAX can be considered a running back anymore. He’s a second tight end. That’s how heavy the Falcons’ passing game is.
The Dolphins are 2-0, 1-0 against teams that have some sort of relevancy, so this will be their first true test on both offense and defense, as well as the first test to see if Mike Wallace squawks every time he isn’t targeted 50 times in a game.
I pick the Falcons.
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 2
The battle for the bottom of the AFC East begins between the Bills and Jets. Surprisingly, it’s not a landslide “of course they suck” game. They’re 1-1, with both wins and losses coming by extremely close margins.
Add the fact that both quarterbacks are rookies and both defenses look strong, and we may actually have a game here. Yes, it’s for last place, but it’s a respectable last place.
I pick the Jets.
Indianapolis Colts @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 12
Jim Irsay must have sacrificed twenty virgins to help swing a trade for Trent Richardson. Seriously, why them? It was the one hole they had on offense, and they filled it with a superstar. What’s next, the Seahawks defense gets traded to them for a handshake?
The 49ers were embarrassed last week against the Seahawks, but they’re not playing the Seahawks. However, Frank Gore needs some touches, so I don’t expect Jim Harbaugh to run up the score unless someone really pisses him off.
I pick the Colts to cover.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks by 20
Oh, fuck you, betting lines. 20 points to the Jaguars? That’s insane!
But it’s against the Jaguars. With Chade Henne. With a hurt MJD. At Seattle. Against the Seahawks defense. Against the Seahawks offense. Okay, maybe it is a decent line.
Fuck it. Jaguars cover, and Marshawn Lynch runs for 500 yards.
Chicago Bears @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Bears by 2
Finally, Jay Cutler is getting the love he deserves. It just so happens that the love is coming from both his offensive line and fans because that’s what happens when quarterbacks are allowed to stand upright for more than 4 seconds. They smile. and win.
Ben Roethlisberger isn’t smiling. Or winning. Maybe that will change when he gets back Heath Miller or a real running back, but not this week.
I pick the Bears.
Monday, September 23rd
Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 16
This is one of those games that screams “trap game.” Unfortunately for the Raiders, Peyton Manning could probably play this game with his eyes closed and still win. At the very least, his receivers will run to the ball.
That’s not to say that the Raiders are terrible. Well, they are, but not as terrible as we all expected. They happen to be 1-1 with a win against a really terrible team, the Jaguars.
I pick the Raiders to cover. Barely.