The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
This week, I give the MRP award to the entire quarterbacks cast of the Denver Broncos not named Peyton Manning. We have Hall of Fame quarterbacks coach Brian Callahan, who made Tim Tebow believe he could be an NFL quarterback as much as he believes in Baby Jesus. We have backup quarterbacks Brock Osweiler and Zac Dysert, who are this year’s recipient of the Curtis Painter Clipboard Holder Award. And then we have quarterbacks coach Jim Bob Cooter. Yes. A guy actually named Jim Bob.
These brave men are MRPs for one reason: absolute uselessness on a team featuring Peyton Manning.
Thursday, September 26th
San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: 49ers by 4
There is a lot of hate for Colin Kaepernick in football fan-land, and I’m not sure why. Maybe, like me, they were immovable Alex Smith supporters who didn’t like how Jim Harbaugh pulled the rug out from under him. Maybe it’s the read-option fad that defenses have already picked up on. Maybe it’s the GQ magazine cover that is supposedly “for men.” Whatever. Like Aldon Smith, I’ll drink to all those reasons.
The Rams, on the other hand, are not hated by anyone. The reason is that you need to have something for fans to hate, whether it is idiot players or rival asshat fans. The Rams have neither. Just a stache and a dream.
I pick the Rams to cover, probably win, maybe even crush.
Sunday, September 29th
Baltimore Ravens @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Ravens by 3
There was a time, not too long ago, that I would have picked the Ravens without hesitation for this game. Then they lost everyone but Terrell Suggs and Joe Flacco, and actually have a retired Ray Lewis telling them that they need leaders that can hold players accountable. I giggled so loudly, I’m surprised I didn’t get stabbed at the bar.
The Bills are who we thought they were. The bottom of the AFC East. C.J. Spiller, we hardly knew ye.
I pick the Ravens for nostalgia.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Bengals by 4
Red Rocket seems to be doing exactly what everyone believed he better do unless he wanted to be labeled Carson Palmer 2.0: winning games. So what if he looks like The Joker. This game of football needs some laughter, and not the type that hits the tabloids. Andy Dalton, I’m looking your way.
Meanwhile, the Browns continue to be the Houston Astros of the NFL, selling off anyone worth anything on their team. I’m sure it has nothing to do with Jimmy Haslam trying to pony up with the government.
I pick the Bengals, because the day I pick the Browns is the day I give up football for hockey.
Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 3
The greatest thing to come of this new Bears team is that Jay Cutler doesn’t look like the crybaby laying on the turf that we all know and love. Maybe that is a bad thing, because I haven’t heard much about Chicago’s own Jay Cutler Show on the radio. Apparently, success is bad for business because fans love nothing more than complaining. Enjoy it, Chicago. Jay may be gone soon.
Meanwhile, we are into week 4 and the Lions are winning. Suh isn’t getting fined everyday. They have a running game that has nothing to do with Barry Sanders coming out of retirement. Who knows, maybe the city of Detroit will kick this whole bankruptcy thing, especially when the tourists start coming in droves when the RoboCop remake comes out.
I’m picking the Bears, because I’m just not that optimistic.
New York Giants @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 5
Seriously, the Giants have to have SOMETHING go right for them, right? Smashed by the Cowboys? Slapped around by Big Brother? Crushed by the Panthers? If Eli and Co lose to last year’s draft pick winners, they might as well start planning for next year’s Super Bowl run.
The Chiefs, meanwhile, can’t seem to do anything wrong. Alex Smith looks so adept to a sleepy fault that I hear trombone music whenever he drops back.
The defense is solid, but that was the case last year. Even Andy Reid looks a little slimmer. Kansas City is showing us what can happen to a team when you think all is lost.
I pick the Giants to cover, because these two teams have to eventually come back to reality.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Steelers by 1
OI! We must really love our British brethren to give them such a lovely match-up across the pond in London. The winless Steelers take on the winless Vikings, because there can be only one team that sucks worse.
Jokes have begun to surface about the Brits keeping most of the players and just sending back Adrian Peterson, which is just crazy. Purple Jesus may be amazing, but there’s is no way he can take on Ironman Football against and NFL team by himself.
I pick the Steelers on account of them getting back some of those injured players that everyone was masturbating over, aka Heath Miller and Le’Veon Bell.
Arizona Cardinals @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers by 1
This isn’t really a football game. It’s more like an audition. Carson Palmer will probably be looking for yet another NFL team by the end of the season. Lucky for him, the Buccaneers will probably need a quarterback, as they have taken their turn benching a quarterback dud that they gave way to much money to for a rookie.
The Buccaneers benched Josh Freeman. The Jets benched Mark Sanchez (allegedly). The colors and conferences may change, but odd football teams look eerily similar.
I pick the Buccaneers, mostly because they have a defense.
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Colts by 10
Normally I hate big lines but, did you see what the Colts did to the 49ers? And that was supposed to be an elite defense coupled up with a great offense. Sure 10 points is a lot but, did you see what the Colts did to the 49ers?
Now the Colts are playing the Jaguars, who have scored maybe 1 whole touchdown the whole season. The Jaguars are supposedly miles below the 49ers in both offense and defense.
I pick the Colts because, seriously, did you see what the Colts did to the 49ers?
Seattle Seahawks @ Houston Texans
LINE: Seahawks by 3
I know what you’re thinking: Texans to win? What the hell are you on? The Seahawks are going to the Super Bowl?
Meh. The Seahawks aren’t home, Russell Wilson may have forgotten how to throw after handing the ball off so much, and the Texans CAN’T be this bad on defense, can they?
Ed Reed, week 2, begins. Hopefully things start looking a bit more normal.
I pick the Texans because I believe. I have to. The Texans are my defense in fantasy football.
New York Jets @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 4
There was a time where people laughed and laughed about how bad the Jets would be this season. “Division III”, “practice squad”, “shitty Jets” are all terms I heard. some I even used. Now they’re 2-1. They have won every game they were expected to win. Will this continue? The titans are on the “should win” list.
The Titans have also won every game they were expected to win. Some even believe they should win this game. Those believers seem to believe in some guy named Jake Locker.
I pick the Jets. Fuck you, that’s why.
Philadelphia Eagles @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 12
The Eagles have already become drained by the Chip Kelly offense. It’s expected. Michael Vick has already had two NFL careers, and isn’t getting any less sacked.
The Broncos, led by 5-head PEyton Manning, and looking ridiculously good. Yes, the term “ridiculously good” is warranted when your running backs are playing “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to decide who is going to run in the next touchdown.
I pick the Eagles, because the Broncos couldn’t even cover the Raiders. Oh yeah, that was a larger spread. I pick Broncos.
Washington Redskins @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Redskins by 4
I’m starting to think the NFC East division is going to be won by an 8-8 record. It’s just this weird feeling I have. Who knows, maybe it’ll be 7-9.
The Redskins and Raiders are both abysmal at defense. The trick to this game is, which offense will be that much better than the opponent’s shitty defense? I think RG3 will finally come to life. Either that, or lose his leg, but I’m an optimist.
I pick the Redskins.
Dallas Cowboys @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Cowboys by 2
There was a time that I laughed at both Tony Romo and Philip Rivers, usually at the same time, but in different games. Now, finally, I can laugh at both of them at the same time in the same game.
Well, that’s what I would believe if I didn’t think these guys were having a resurgence year. Probably in a contract year. I’m starting to believe in the rebirth of Phoenix Rivers more and more, just not this week.
I pick the Cowboys.
Monday, September 30th
New England Patriots @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 1
Blah blah blah Rob Gronkowski. I’d show a lot more respect if I saw the Patriots getting more chances in the red-zone. Gronk is a lumbering tree. Aaron Hernandez was the long-field tight-end, and the only field he’s seeing is in the prison courtyard. I don’t see any improvement.
What I do see from the Falcons is a team that much closer to being at full strength. They just need to grab some game to tide them over until the bye week.
I pick the Falcons, because I like my Matty Ice dry.