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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Week 5 Picks

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NFL2013w5

 The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!

These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.

RECORD:

28-34

Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)

This week, I give the MRP award to ets rookie quarterback Geno Smith for his ridiculous behind the back pass to himself in his own end-zone that resulted in a fumble for a defensive touchdown by the Tennessee Titans. There were many other ridiculously awful plays by Smith, but this one is insanely ridiculous.

geno_smith_fumble

It’s like BUTTFUMBLE 2.0. This isn’t basketball, Geno. When a 350 pound man hits you at full speed, you better be sure to have the football protected and not just secured between your fingers behind your back.

Thursday, October 3rd

bills_browns

Buffalo Bills @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Browns by 4

PICK: BROWNS

Oh, joy. Thursday night football is back to what it’s best at: showing games that nobody cares about because not everyone gets the NFL Network. I was starting to wonder for the last couple weeks.

And what a barn-burner it is. C.J. Spiller! Willis McGahee! Fred Jackson! Some other running back on the Browns who couldn’t replace Trent Richardson! Stevie Johnson! Josh Gordon! E.J. Manel! Brian Hoyer! And let’s not forget the veteran 2nd year quarterback who’s older than the sum of all their ages, Brandon Weeden!

I pick the Browns to win and cover. Sorry, Buffalo, but yes, this year you’re worse off than the Browns.

Sunday, October 6th

saints_bears

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Saints by 1

 PICK: SAINTS

I think it’s safe to say that Sean Payton meant a lot to this Saints team. Around this time last year, the team was 0-4 under interim to the interim coach Aaron Kromer. Now they’re 4-0 with an even crazier defensive coordinator in Rob Ryan. It’s funny how things work out.

The Bear are reverting back to their old ways as well. You know the drill: Cutler drops back. Cutler is sacked. Cutler loses the football. Wash, rinse, repeat. Now even the Saints can sack him at will.

I pick the Saints to win and cover. Eventually I’ll have to pick against them, but not today.

 patriots_bengals

New England Patriots @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals by 1

 PICK: PATRIOTS

Poor Tom Brady. Once he gets in sync with a new group of receivers, that group gets hurt, or his old receivers that he hasn’t worked with during game time this season, start threatening to come back. How much more insecurity must a multi-millionaire Hall of Fame-bound quarterback with 3 Super Bowl rings, 2 Super Bowl MVPs, and a hot wife, deal with?

Speaking of insecurity, I introduce you to the Cincinnati Bengals, who just lost to the Browns.

I pick the Patriots to win, cover, whatever.

 lions_packers

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 8

 PICK: LIONS

The good news is, the PAckers are coming off a bye week. Even better news is, Eddie Lacy and Jermichael Finley are back. Even more better news, which is bad English, is clay Matthews will probably suit up after injuring his hamstring by scaring schoolchildren with his Hulk Rage dance. Allegedly. Even much more better news is that Aaron Rodgers is still around.

Well, that’s all good news if you’re the Packers. Good news for the Lions? Reggie Bush hasn’t sustained an injury this week. Yet.

I Pick Packers to win outright, but Lions will cover.

 chiefs_titans

Kansas City Chiefs @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Chiefs by 3

 PICK: CHIEFS

So far, the Chiefs are 4-0. That’s already double the amount of wins the team had last year, so it’s safe to say that, yeah, the team has improved. Unfortunately, this also means that fans in Kansas city think it’s their year. We’ll see if they still believe that after playing the Denver Broncos.

This week, however, they play the Tennessee Titans, who have improved their defense immensely. Unfortunately, Jake Locker has succumbed to his yearly injury.

I pick the Chiefs to checkdown, like always, and cover.

 seahawks_colts

Seattle Seahawks @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Seahawks by 3

 PICK: COLTS

The Seahawks have arguably the best defense in the league. They even share the best record in the league. They do not, however, have the best quarterback in the league, and they may need to throw a bit more at an away game, something they still haven’t done very well.

The Colts haven’t needed much luck so far, just Luck. Unless you think it’s luck that got them Trent Richardson to fill that running back void that they’ve had for years.

The Colts fill that void this week, covering the spread and winning outright.

 jaguars_rams

Jacksonville Jaguars @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Rams by 13

 PICK: JAGUARS

You know it’s a painful season for a team when the Rams are favored by double digits against you, but that’s been the Jaguars’ season so far. It’s been the Jaguars, period, since last season, and that’s being nice. Things may change since Justin Blackmon is coming back, which means there may be one less defender crowding the box for MJD to run.

The Rams should probably try to swing a trade for MJD during half-time, considering how much of a mess their running back situation is.

I pick the Jaguars to beat the spread. Probably barely.

 ravens_dolphins

Baltimore Ravens @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Dolphins by 3

 PICK: RAVENS

Good news for the Ravens! They actually get a star player back on their team. No, I don’t mean Anquan Boldin or Ed Reed or Ray Lewis. I mean Ray Rice, who as merely hurt rather than traded, released or retired.

The Dolphins got a taste of reality last week when they played the Saints to show them that beating the Falcons doesn’t automatically put you into Super Bowl contention. There is still that team in New Englad you have to deal with. First, however, is the defending Super Bowl champions who beat that team up in New England.

I pick the Ravens to beat the spread and win outright.

 eagles_giants

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants by 1

 PICK: GIANTS

Holy shit does the NFC East look pathetic. It reminds me of those years that St. Louis or Seattle would win their divisions with a .500 or less record. Now we have a 1-3 Eagles team and a 0-4 Giants team fighting for second place behind the 2-2 Cowboys.

With both teams’ defenses playing flag football, this may actually be a high-scoring game. As long as Eli Manning remembers that he’s throwing to the blue jerseys.

I pick the Giants to cover and win, because, seriously, they have to win sometime.

 panthers_cardinals

Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Panthers by 2

 PICK: CARDINALS

This week’s “who gives a shit” game features the Carolina Panthers and Arizona Cardinals! Both Cam Newton and Carson Palmer have been playing below expectations. In case you were wondering, yes, Carson Palmer had expectations, modest though they may have been.

On the flipside, both defenses have been playing at expectations. Yes, the Panthers defense was expected to be a little less than this good.

But I’m going to throw away those ideas and pick the Cardinals to cover the spread and win outright. Why? Because, seriously, who gives a shit about this game?

 broncos_cowboys

Denver Broncos @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Broncos by 9

 PICK: BRONCOS

The Peyton Manning woodchipper’s next stop seems to be Dallas. It’s not a question of how many touchdowns he’ll score. It’s really a question of who will catch those touchdowns. Will it be Wiley Wes, Dodgy Demaryius, Jukin Julian, or Erratic Eric? Don’t worry, I’ll come up with better names eventually.

The Cowboys have been doing their normal high-low season. My guess is, against the Denver offensive and defensive juggernauts, this will be part of the lows.

Broncos cover, win, and eat Tony Romo’s ribs.

 texans_49ers

Houston Texans @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: 49ers by 6

 PICK: TEXANS

This game is about 2 teams that have defied my expectations of decency. The Texans were expected to be a top 5 defense, and seem to allow as many points as Peyton Manning scores. The 49ers were expected (before everyone got hurt) to be a top 10 offense, and can’t seem to do anything that looks close to a successful read-option with Colin Kaepernick.

At least, in this game, someone will live up to those former expectations, for better or for worse.

I pick the Texans to at least cover the spread.

 chargers_raiders

San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Chargers by 4

 PICK: CHARGERS

Nothing says “America’s Pastime” like pushing a football game into the 8:30PST time-slot, but that’s what the Oakland Athletics have done. Hopefully Qualcomm Stadium organizes its waste management this time, or else we’ll have to forever change the nickname of “The Black Hole” to “The Shit-hole” and leave it there until a new stadium is built.

Amazingly, this game between the Raiders and the Chargers may be exciting! Well, not as far as the Raiders doing anything, but the fact that it is the next stop of the Philip Rivers Revival Tour.

I pick Phoenix Rivers and company to cover the spread.

 

Monday, October 7th

jets_falcons

New York Jets @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Falcons by 11

PICK: FALCONS

Normally, I would call an 11 point spread against a Rex Ryan defense to be way too big, but this is a special situation.

For one, the Jets are down to their second string practice squad receiving corps. It’s gotten so bad that Geno Smith tried to pass the ball to himself, behind his back, just to get a completion.

Another point is the Falcons lost at home last week in a game they should have pulled out. That makes players angry, so they will probably show us all how many points they can score by running it up before they take a break next week on their bye.

Falcons cover their double digit spread.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).