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A Noob in Fantasy Football Stage 7: Week 5


Most of what I learned about fantasy football has been from watching The League on FX. We’ll see how that holds up as I explore my first season in a fantasy football league.


Stage 6: Playing Week 5

Record: 5-0

Is it reckless for me to already be trying to set myself up for the playoffs?

I feel like the football gods may strike down every player on my team with an injury for thinking this way, but instead, they seem to cause major injuries to everyone else’s players.

To be fair, I got my injury hit at the beginning with Steven Jackson, who I still haven’t started. He’s on a bye, so I can’t do it this week, but it’s coming. I swear.


No moves, only because no other teams accidentally dropped anyone worth picking up. We’re all learning, it seems.

Philip Rivers (SD): QB1

Projected Points: 71

Yeah, I did it. I sat Matt Ryan. It’s not that I thought he would do bad against the Jets (who I happen to be a fan of but keep my fandom at a minimum. I don’t even have a Jets player on my fantasy team). I just thought Falcons vs Jets would be a more defensive game, for the Falcons because the Jets defense is legit, for the Jets because their offense sucks. Rivers has been playing well, and I figured he would dice up the Raiders secondary no matter what time the game was played.

Results: 93

Okay, for the record, I was right. Rivers got more points than Ryan, but it’s too damn close to call myself a guru. Matt Ryan had 85 points. either way, the QB position wouldn’t have been a dud.

Demaryius Thomas (DEN): WR1

Projected Points: 19

I don’t think i’ll every move Demaryius Thomas to the bench, but it’s getting more and more distressing leaving him in my lineup. But then I think of his game in week 1 and the patience necessary for the Broncos, and I breathe that much better.

Results: 10

Dammit, it’s getting worse. Maybe I can trade him for a gimpy Calvin Johnson, who is at least a featured receiver on his team, aka the guy Matthew Stafford constantly throws to.

Reggie Wayne (IND): WR2

Projected Points: 15

I was kind of stuck using Reggie Wayne because A) it was Antonio Brown’s bye week, and B) I was sketchy about picking up Alshon Jeffery. I wanted to give Jeffrey 1 more week.

Results: 14

Next time, I’m not going to keep Alshon Jeffery off my roster because I have an inkling of faith that Ryan Mathews may actually rush for 40 yards.

James Jones (GB): WR3

Projected Points: 12

I never know what’s going to happen with James Jones. Aaron Rodgers has the same problem the Broncos do: too many awesome receivers. Great for a real football team, horrible for a fantasy football team.

Results: 32

This was a good James Jones week .Which probably means that he’s gonna suck next week. This is why he doesn’t live on my line-up. No consistency. Some people way say, “Grow some balls, man.” I say, “Look at my record, man.” No gambles on breakout players leads to 5-0. Thank you, come again.

Jamaal Charles (KC): RB1

Projected Points: 21

Another week, another expectation of a pile of points from my horse of a running back, who HAS MORE POINTS THAN ADRIAN PETERSON. It’s was a damn blessing that I didn’t get the #1 draft pick.

Results: 32

Boom. Rush for 100 yards. Boom. Gather up catches from Alex Smith. Boom. Another big day.

Maurice Jones-Drew (JAC): RB2

Projected Points: 10

Yup, if there is one position I am majorly lacking in, it’s RB2. I picked up LeVeon Bell last week, but he has a bye this week. And no, I do not expect him to get more points on a bye than MJD in an actual game.

Results: 10

Barely double-digits, but I’ll take it!

Jimmy Graham (NO): TE

Projected Points: 21

Using Jimmy Graham as a tight-end is almost downright illegal. Almost.

Results: 33

Almost. He is technically a tight-end. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Steven Hauschka (SEA): K

Projected Points: 8

Still a kicker. As long as I don’t get a 0, I’m happy.

Results: 17

No fucking zero here! I’m tempted to drop another player on Hauschka’s bye week so I don’t have to drop him!

Houston (HOU): DEF/ST

Projected Points: 12

Please. Let me have a good game from you, Texans. J.J. Watt, please get 5 sacks yourself. Keep the 49ers under 20 points. Please

Results: 0

Oh, fuck you, Houston. Fuck you, all fucking year.

How I Did


Week 5 Points: 241

Total Points: 1,099

Aw man. I didn’t get my 3rd “Biggest Blowout” trophy by winning 241-210.

Other than that, there really wasn’t much to think about. I did end up seeing the end of the Chargers VS Raiders game. Not the beginning. I had the flu, so I went to bed early and woke up in the middle of the night to hear the last quarter of the game. I guess the football gods wanted me to sleep soundly, knowing that I had once again chosen true and dominated.

Thank you, football gods. Now please, give me some cold medication.

Coming up next, Stage 8: Week 6 tinkering, playing, and (hopefully) winning.

Stage 1: Setting Up Your Fantasy Football Team

Stage 2: The Draft! Well, Not Really…

Stage 2.1: The Official Draft

Stage 3: Playing Week 1

Stage 4: Playing Week 2

Stage 5: Playing Week 3

Stage 6: Playing Week 4

Stage 7: Playing Week 5

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).