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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Week 6 Picks

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NFL2013w6

 The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!

These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.

RECORD:

34-41

Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)

This week, I’m changing things up a bit. Normally the MRP goes to the most ridiculous player of the week in a snarky, “What the fuck were they thinking” sort of way.

This week the award goes to Adam “Pacman” Jones on the Cincinnati Bengals, not because he got burned by a receiver because he lost his shoe or volley-balled a pick back into a receiver’s hands or allegedly punched a woman in the face like he was in an episode of Jersey Shore. No, Jones gets the award for this insane interception, which happened against Tom Brady, ending an expected game-winning drive, which allegedly made Bill Belichick flip open his hoodie even though it was raining. It was a ridiculous moment in general.

jones_int

Thursday, October 10th

giants_bears

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Bears by 10

PICK: GIANTS

This game really has only two routes to go.

A) Both quarterbacks are bathed in light at the coin-toss, and then proceed to play a high-flying and scoring game that would make PEyton Manning VS Tony Romo look like a pee-wee football scrimmage.

B) Both quarterbacks, with a swiss-cheese secondary in their sights, proceed to make that secondary look like the top-ranked pass defense in the history of NFL. Interceptions are racked up like yards. Jay Cutler gets into a fight with one of his lineman. Eli Manning accidentally lines up with the Bears. Thursday Night Football is once again cast into the shadows of the sports week.

I think I’ll have to go with option B, and pick the Giants to at least cover and, who knows, even win their first game of the season.

Sunday, October 13th

bengals_bills

Cincinnati Bengals @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Bengals by 8

 PICK: BENGALS

Well, the good news is that another Bengals player isn’t going to jail. Pacman Jones was found not guilt of punching a drunk woman in the head. Whether it was due to lack of evidence or his lawyer was able to show that a giant football player acted in self defense against a less than giant woman is unknown.

Meanwhile, the Bills have scrapped their rookie quarterback experiment, with E.J. Manuel injured and Jeff Tuel just plain terrible. Now they look to the second year quarterback Thad Lewis who played in one whole game with the Cleveland Browns last year. Suffice to say, things do not look good in Buffalo.

I pick the Bengals to cover and win.

 lions_browns

Detroit Lions @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Lions by 1

 PICK: BROWNS

Once again, the Detroit Lions are finding ways to lose. After looking like an offensive powerhouse with the addition of a resurrected Reggie Bush to complement Stafford’s long-ass bombs to Megatron, the Lions did what they do best: stumbled. This time, the blame can’t be left at the feet of any actual player. The injury bug bit them, hard. Megatron didn’t play last week, and may not even play this week, which is the difference between 9 points and 29 points.

The Browns, well, they’re winning. Go figure. They trade away their top running back, have to decide between Tom Brady’s back-up and a 30 year old sophomore at quarterback, and they’re winning. Hell, I’ll believe for a game.

I pick the Browns to win. Mostly because I don’t think Megatron is going to be ready to go.

 raiders_chiefs

Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: CHIEFS by 10

 PICK: RAIDERS

I remember last year when a game between these two teams was normally blacked out across the nation for fear that it would be so bad that the eyes of fans would be burned out of their sockets, broadcasters would be committed to mental institutions after trying to call this game, and a rain of feces would come down upon the stadium.

Well, these teams aren’t doing all that bad, especially the Chiefs at 5-0, and there will be no rain of feces because this game is at Arrowhead stadium, not Qualcomm.

I pick the Raiders to beat the spread, but not win. Alex Smith is gonna dink-n-dunk just enough.

 panthers_vikings

Carolina Panthers @ Minnesota Vikings

LINE: Vikings by 8

 PICK: PANTHERS

As if the Panthers defense wasn’t going to have enough problems containing Adrian Peterson, the horrible news that AP/AD’s 2 year old son was beaten to death by the mother’s boyfriend could add some fuel to the fire.

Adrian Peterson has mentioned that football is a great release of stress. I can only imagine how much stress he will unleash upon the Panthers in this game. 300 yards worth? It’s film-worthy, but I wouldn’t doubt it.

Vikings win, but won’t cover the spread.

 steelers_jets

Pittsburgh Steelers @ New York Jets

LINE: Jets by 1

 PICK: JETS

If you asked anyone in pre-season which team would be 0-4 and which team would be 3-2 in this game, I’m pretty sure most of you would put the “O”pher on the Jets. No one expected they would even score 3 points by now, nevermind win 3 games.

Yet here we are. Luckily for the Steelers, they have Heath Miller and Le’Veon Bell back for their second game. If the rust is cleaned, this may be the Steelers coming out party. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I pick the Jets in probably a 9-5 game.

 eagles_buccaneers

Philadelphia Eagles @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Eagles by 2

 PICK: EAGLES

Coincidentally, I went to this match-up of the Eagles and Bucs last year. It was in Tampa. Nick Foles was the Eagles quarterback. Everyone expected the Bucs to win, to the point that I left Raymond James Stadium early to catch my flight.

As I walked away from the stadium, I could hear the groans bellowing from the stadium. Upon passing a reclusive tailgater listening to the game on the radio, I heard why. The Eagles were driving after converting a 4th down. a few seconds later, on the absolute last play, Nick Foles tossed a game-winning touchdown.

Josh Freeman may be gone, but that game will never be forgotten. I pick the Eagles to cover and win.

 packers_ravens

Green Bay Packers @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Packers by 3

 PICK: RAVENS

This is one of those games that decides what is stronger in the NFL for the season, offense or defense. One the one hand, you have Aaron Rodgers. On the other hand, you have a Ravens defense that keeps losing parts but chugs along nonetheless.

If this sounds like a thinly veiled taunting of the Packers defense and Joe Flacco, you’re right. It is. Everything seems to be equalizing.

The Ravens beat the spread and win, and eat all the crabcakes.

 rams_texans

St. Louis Rams @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans by 9

 PICK: RAMS

In another life, this game could be considered a trap game for the Texans on their way to winning the AFC South handily as they continue on to the AFC Championship game against the Denver Broncos. The Rams are good at trap games.

However, this isn’t a trap game. This is another game in an agonizing season for the Texans. Especially for Matt Schaub, who has had fans burning his jerseys and coming up to his house to yell at him at night. That’s just silly. Only J.J. Watt is allowed to yell at Matt Schaub.

I pick the Rams to beat the spread, but the Texans will win outright.

 jaguars_broncos

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Broncos by 26

 PICK: JAGUARS

So, yeah. Remember back in the day when you were playing Madden Football, and you would lose a really close game in the season with your custom re-draft team that you named The Vipers. You’d be pissed, especially because you didn’t hit the reset button in time so the loss counted. Then you’d go into exhibition mode, select the All-Madden team for yourself, and some European arena football team for the computer. By the end of the game, the score would be somewhere around 87-3. You would get some of that anger released and go back to your normal game.

That Madden VS Arena game is kind of what Jaguars VS Broncos is shaping up to be, which would make this game easy to call. The problem is, in Madden exhibition, you don’t care about injury, so your starters play through the whole game. Here, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Broncos put their towel boys in by the 3rd quarter.

I pick the Jaguars to cover the spread. come on, 26 points? The Broncos aren’t the Patriots. They don’t try to prove things to horrible teams.

 titans_seahawks

Tennessee Titans @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Seahawks by 14

 PICK: TITANS

Sometimes a game just looks ugly. Not bad ugly. Just “not a whole lot of scoring going on here” ugly. The NFL keeps getting more offense-friendly, so games like these are hard to come by. Titans VS Seahawks. U-G-L-Y.

But I like games that feature defense. I love the look on a quarterback’s face, and the faces of fans, as another throw is intercepted. This is probably why I have been such a closet Ravens fan since they came to Baltimore.

I pick the Titans to cover the spread, but the Seahawks win. Seriously, Seattle’s “12th Man” does not score touchdowns.

 saints_patriots

New Orleans Saints @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 1

 PICK: SAINTS

The Patriots were handed their first loss of the season, in miraculously “Bad Tom Brady” fashion. He threw an interception on the final end zone play of the game. So far he’s thrown 3 of those, and fumbled 3 times.

Now he must go up against a team with a revamped defense to go along with a high-scoring offense, just like the Patriots of old. Barring an insane call by the referees due to Bill Belichick whining, this game may be a blowout. And by blowout, I mean the Saints…go marching…in?

Yeah, I just did that.

Saints win and cover.

 cardinals_49ers

Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: 49ers by 12

 PICK: CARDINALS

If you would have asked me in pre-season that two 3-2 teams from the NFC West would be playing this week, I would have guessed it was maybe the Rams and Seahawks. They’re two defensive-minded teams that could have lucked out or fallen flat in a close game or two.

But, no. Instead, we’re talking about the Cardinals and the 49ers. Colin Kaepernick may have a bum foot, but the 49ers are treading water. The Cardinals seem to be horrible along with Carson Palmer but have, somehow, ended up winning 3 games.

So what happens in this game? Besides color-blind people getting confused?

49ers win, but don’t cover the spread.

 

redskins_cowboys

Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys by 7

 PICK: COWBOYS

The good news for the Redskins is, they didn’t lose last week. That may have to do with the fact that they didn’t play last week, but a team takes what it can get when it’s 1-3.

The bad news for the Cowboys is, they lost last week. Not only did they lose (against Peyton Manning, which was kind of expected) but they lost in agonizingly Romo fashion. With the score tied at 48-48 and 2:39 left, Tony Romo led the Cowboys -6 yards down the field before throwing an interception, leaving Peyton Manning plenty of time to stroll down the field to set up a game-winning field goal.

With the top of the NFC East on the line, the Redskins visit the Cowboys to see which team crumbles first.

I think the Redskins crumble first, leading to the Cowboys covering the spread and winning.

Monday, October 14th

colts_chargers

Indianapolis Colts @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers by 3

PICK: COLTS

It seems that the Chargers are getting all the late games these days. Last week, they played in Oakland at 8:30pm. This week, they play at home at 6:00pm. I expect that game coverage on the East Coast will be stocking plenty of coffee to stay awake, especially if the Sunday Night game drags on as much as it probably will with a lot of pass attempts.

However, this game may actually be exciting enough to watch. The Colts are clicking. Phoenix Rivers is continuing to put up big numbers. Must-See Monday Night wins again.

I pick the Colts to win and cover.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).