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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Week 7 Picks

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NFL2013w7

 The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!

These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.

RECORD:

43-47

Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)

Maybe I should change the name of this award because, half the time, I don’t even award it to an actual player.

That said, this week’s MRP goes to the entire Houston Texans fan base. Last week culminated a month of Matt Schaub-hating with Reliant Stadium cheering that he was injured and needed to be replaced by T.J. Yates.

Matt Schaub has been the target of jersey-burnings, trunk jokes, and even being visited by angry fans at his home. Texans fans, we salute you.

Thursday, October 17th

seahawks_cardinals

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Seahawks by 6

PICK: SEAHAWKS

Hoooray! Thursday Night Football is back to what it does best: nationally showcasing a football game between two teams who don’t have a national following. Or, as far as the Seahawks, a regional following. It could be worse. The Cardinals don’t even have a full local following.

This game promises some high scoring, at least. Most of the scoring will come from Cardinals QB Carson Palmer heaving the ball down-field and getting picked off half the time, probably for a couple of pick-sixes. The other half will either be incomplete and a lucky, one-handed catch by Larry Fitzgerald after the ball bounces off a defender’s helmet. Whatever it takes!

I pick the Seahawks to win and cover. There are probably more Seahawks fans in Arizona than even Seattle.

Sunday, October 20th

buccaneers_falcons

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Falcons by 9

 PICK: BUCCANEERS

It looks like the Falcons, former expected heirs to the NFC Super Bowl spot, are on their way to the 2-14 draft hunt. At the beginning of the season, Matt Ryan had Julio Jones, Tony Gonzalez, Steven Jackson, and a seemingly half-sped Roddy White to whip the ball around to. I’m sure 3/4 of the NFL would jump on the chance to have that offense. Then S-JAX fell and couldn’t get up. Then Julio Jones’ foot fell apart. Roddy White chased that record of consecutive games by jogging routes in every game. Now Matt Ryan is throwing to Gonzalez and the Falcons mascot. That’s why they’re 1-4.

But I guess it could be worse. The Buccaneers are winless, dumped their franchise quarterback Josh Freeman (pretty much paying him to join another team and get paid even more), and Greg Schiano is fighting for the crown of “Biggest Ass-Clown Coach” by telling Darrelle Revis not to do what they’re paying him $96 million to do: lock down his receiver in man coverage.

I pick the Buccaneers to beat the spread, but the Falcons will barely win outright.

 bengals_lions

Cincinnati Bengals @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 3

 PICK: LIONS

Ndamukong Suh looks to have over-taken the season record for fines, which was held by former Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison, with the latest deduction for his hit of Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden. If it is upheld through an appeal, this means that Suh would be fined $131,500 through 6 games. At this rate, Suh will be eventually be forced to pay the NFL to play.

Ironically, James Harrison will be on the opposite defense, but he’ll have a lot of catching up to do to take back his seasonal record of fines.

I pick the Lions to win and cover the spread.

 bills_dolphins

Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Dolphins by 9

 PICK: BILLS

Answer with the first thing that comes to your mind: who is the starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills?

Don’t worry. The Bills don’t know, either. Packers/Seahawks/Raiders reject Matt Flynn signed with the Bills at the beginning of the week, and may start if Thad “Who” Lewis hasn’t recovered from an ankle injury. Don’t be surprised if, by the end of the year, Vinny Testaverde is under center or Vince Young gets a phone call.

The Dolphins seem to have their quarterback situation well covered with Ryan Tannehill and are set up in second place in their division. With a winning record, no less!

The Dolphins will win, but won’t cover the spread in typical Dolphins fashion.

 patriots_jets

New England Patriots @ New York Jets

LINE: Patriots by 4

 PICK: PATRIOTS

Just when things seem to get rolling for the Jets, disaster hits them like the backside of offensive lineman. They lose a defensive game to the Pittsburgh Steelers. now they have to play the New England Patriots, who may be getting back Rob Gronkowski to make the impossible seem even harder. At the very least, it’s a home game for the Jets. That has to count for something, right?

The Patriots are coming off of a feel-good win against the Saints in the final seconds of their game last week. Bill Belichick even managed to smile! Maybe he’ll even start acting like Pete Carroll and hugging everyone in sight! Okay, maybe that’s a bit much.

I pick the Patriots to win, cover the spread, and probably give Jets fans another reason to shake their heads in disgust as they leave by the 3rd quarter to beat traffic.

 cowboys_eagles

Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles

LINE: Eagles by 3

 PICK: COWBOYS

It’s hard not to give the Cowboys their due this season. Out of all the NFC East teams, they have tied for the least horrible.

The other least horrible team seems to be the Eagles who, even with a defense that reminds fans of college fling-fests, have re-started the Nick Foles Experiment.

This game should double whatever the over is.

I pick the Cowboys to win outright, so the extra points on the spread is just gravy. Which means that Tony Romo will probably Romo the game.

 bears_redskins

Chicago Bears @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Bears by 1

 PICK: BEARS

How many offensive linemen does it take to keep Jay Cutler’s jersey clean? Apparently, 5 if the Bears are up against the New York Giants. The Redskins defense may be held back with only 4, but that would only leave another receiver open for Brandon Marshall to complain about getting his catches.

The Redskins can’t seem to get anything going but, since they’re coming off a bye week, they can feel good that they aren’t heading into a game following a loss. Surely that will count for something, at least until they play the Giants.

I pick the Bears to win and clear the spread.

 rams_panthers

St. Louis Rams @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Panthers by 7

 PICK: RAMS

Rams VS Panthers promises to be a painfully defensive game. Well, painful to some. I love low-scoring, defensive games. Especially when I have absolutely no players from either team on my fantasy football roster, which is the case here.

This game will be defensive, but probably messily so. Luckily, this game will probably not see the light of day in my region, and may not even find the light of day in Carolina.

I pick the Rams to cover the spread, but the Panthers will win.

 chargers_jaguars

San Diego Chargers @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Chargers by 9

 PICK: JAGUARS

It seems that the return of Justin Blackmon has make the Jaguars into a real bad NFL team again. This is a step up from them being a real bad Division III college team just two weeks ago. Baby steps.

The Chargers, meanwhile, seem to have taken a few baby steps back in their offense the past two weeks. With both defenses ranking at the bottom of the barrel, all eyes will be on which offense gives the game away first.

I pick the Jaguars to give the game away first, leading to a Chargers win. But the Jaguars will cover.

 49ers_titans

San Francisco 49ers @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: 49ers by 4

 PICK: TITANS

The 49ers have been chugging along this season like a train that had sugar poured into its engine. Spurts of brilliance followed by stalled offenses and broken dreams of making it to the final stop, the Super Bowl. Following a handy loss against a broken Cardinals team, the 49ers are due for some hard times.

That’s what the Titans are: hard times. At least, on defense. with Ryan Fitzpatrick under center, the Titans offense is very hard times-like. Luckily, Jake Locker may be back. Fingers crossed?

The 49ers will win, but the Titans cover.

 browns_packers

Cleveland Browns @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 12

 PICK: BROWNS

Go figure. Brian Hoyer really is better than Brandon Weeden. I had to see it to believe it, but it’s true. Once again, the quarterback curse rears its Bulldog head in the Cleveland Browns. It’s gotten so bad that fans are trying to hire quarterbacks on Craigslist. That’s just silly, tho. How can a fan in Cleveland possibly front the salary of an NFL player?

Things aren’t all that great for Green Bay, either. Aaron Rodgers may be an elite quarterback but, with James Jones and Randall Cobb out, his elite receivers are growing smaller and smaller.

Packers win, but the Browns cover the spread. Somehow.

 texans_chiefs

Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: Chiefs by 7

 PICK: CHIEFS

I guess, if you’re a Texans fans, you can keep on cheering. Matt Schaub is out!

The bad news? Case Keenum is starting. If you’re wonder who he is, don’t worry. We have no idea, either. Apparently he played towel boy for the team last year.

Meanwhile, the Chiefs have tripled the amount of games they had won from last season. I mean, that’s it. After all those jokes about them last season, there’s nothing funny to say. Even Andy Reid has taken the jumpsuit fashion statement away from us. Hopefully they lose soon, and get back on track.

But not this week. Chiefs win, cover, and become the latest embarrassment for the Houston Texans.

 ravens_steelers

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers by 1

 PICK: STEELERS

No matter how bad either team gets, Ravens VS Steelers always ends up being the kind of game where fans shrug their shoulders and say, “Let’s see what happens.”

Last year is a prime example. The Ravens were on their way to the Super Bowl while the Steelers were on their way to a draft pick. What happens? The Ravens win the first game 13-1o, and the Steelers win the second game 23-20. These were games that the Steelers backup quarterback did better than Joe Flacco, which means this game will be more of the same, or a wake-up call for Boring Joe.

I don’t think it will be. Steelers win and cover.

 

broncos_colts

Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Broncos by 7

 PICK: BRONCOS

Colts owner Jim Irsay is all ready for sending his former Hall of Fame-bound quarterback Peyton Manning into the Colts Ring of Honor. The punchline? Manning is still playing. Still playing well. Still playing without a loss this season. Still playing while eyeing every quarterback record imaginable.

I’m sure Manning will honor the Colts himself by running over them to the point that John Fox has to take him out of the game to keep him from running up the score too high.

I pick the Broncos to win, cover, and give Irsay a good spanking. On a national stage, no less.

Monday, October 21st

vikings_giants

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants by 4

PICK: GIANTS

Things have not gone well for the Vikings or giants this season. The Vikings have gotten to the point where they have dropped Matt Cassel down the depth chart in order to start the prodigal son of the Bucs, Josh Freeman. It kind of makes sense. If given the choice between Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, and Josh Freeman, most people would probably close their eyes and play eenie-meenie-miney-mo, and not really care who it landed on.

The Giants have a quarterback, eli Manning. He just doesn’t seem to be doing much, whether it’s due to receivers that need to draw their routes on the backs of their forearms or his own horrible passes.

I think the Giants slow down the Adrian Peterson train just enough this week.

Giants win and cover. For once, this week.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).