The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
Here’s a horrible riddle for you: what throws, but can’t pass?
If you answered Josh Freeman, you’re not only correct, but you have figured out this week’s most ridiculous player.
Last Monday night, the world was given the worst that the Vikings had to offer, transplanted from the worst that the Bucs had to offer: Josh Freeman. 20-53, 190 yards. I bet I could throw better than that, and I’ve never taken a snap of collegiate football.
I watched the game with my Giants fan friends and, even while their team was winning, they were absolutely disgusted with their team, knowing that if it was any other team, or any other quarterback, they might not have been so lucky. Still, a win is a win. Congratulations, Josh Freeman. You’re a winner…of this week’s MRP.
Thursday, October 24th
Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Panthers by 7
Good news, Bucs fans! Mike Glennon was the right call!
Okay, so he hasn’t won anything yet, and hasn’t played a decent defense for the past 2 weeks, and Bucs fans are calling for Greg Schiano’s firing with a giant billboard, but still. If you check in to what Josh Freeman was doing with the Vikings, it’s the right call even if the Bucs go 0-16 this season.
It looks like 0-7 is on the horizon, as the Panthers defense come to Tampa Bay while rivaling Seattle and the 49ers in bringing the pain to offenses.
I pick the Panthers to beat the spread and win, not because I think they’re any good, but because I still think the Bucs are that bad.
Sunday, October 27th
Dallas Cowboys @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 3
The Cowboys have been looking good this season. Real good. Maybe it’s because the rest of the NFC East looks that bad.
Now the Cowboys go up against another team with the perfect 3-pronged offensive attack in the Detroit Lions. Since Dez Bryant is now calling himself the new Megatron, I suspect Tony Romo will start throwing side-armed and DeMarco Murray will learn to catch.
I pick the Lions to beat the spread and win, because their defense looks nowhere as ridiculous as the Cowboys’.
Cleveland Browns @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Chiefs by 9
Normally, with the Chiefs sports a 7-0 record and going up against a defense that can stop Alex Smith’s dink-and-dunk way, this game against the Browns could be considered a trap game. You know, a lowly team being over-looked by the #1 team in the NFL as they eye bigger games.
But when the team that is supposed to give you a trap game is having their fans post quarterback jobs for the team on Craigslist while a 43 year of Jeff Garcia offers his services, chances are that the idea of “trap game” goes out the window.
I pick the Chiefs to beat the spread, win, and leave Dwayne Bowe in Cleveland as a consolation prize.
Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 7
Bill Belichick does it again. After being caught bending the rules and losing a tight game in over-time with the New York Jets, Belichick has gone through the stages of grief for the loss (a little out of order):
- Depression cause by losing to the New York Jets
- Denial of breaking the rules of field goal defense
- Bargaining by explaining he did not know about the rule
- Acceptance that the penalty was correct
- Anger by blaming the Jets for committing the same penalty
Well, we’ve all seem what the Patriots usually do when they lose: they get even. Against the next team in line. In Foxboro. Dolphins, we hardly knew ye.
I pick the Patriots to cover the spread, win, and probably feast on the entrails of the Dolphins. Oh, sorry, that will cause another penalty.
Buffalo Bills @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 12
Every time I watch the Saints, I am fixated on Drew Brees. not because of his skills, or that he’s a dashing man, or even the remnants of that mole on his face that Oprah tried to wipe off. I can’t get enough of how he looks peeking over his offensive linemen while checking down. He looks like a mouse peeking over the side of a box.
With the Bills, I’m just the opposite. I’m not fixated on anything. Not their latest choice in quarterback roulette, not their version of Chad Ocho Cinco, not even their ping-pong match of a rushing corp. And yet, they keep winning.
I pick the Bills to beat the spread, but the Saints will win outright.
New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 5
Heeeey, the Giants won a game! Now all that shame that comes with being a winless team can be cast away, and Eli and company can’t look towards the next step: 8-8. Of course, the win came against the Vikings, which definitely sours the win just a little.
The Eagles can’t seem to keep their quarterbacks healthy, but Michael Vick is at least able to walk, so it looks like he’ll be suiting up. Too bad the Eagles defense isn’t as good as “they’ll be suiting up.”
I pick the Eagles to cover the spread and win outright.
San Francisco 49ers @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: 49ers by 17
The NFL continues to push on its British invasion with the second game of the season in London. Apparently, something good is coming from this because next season there will be 3 games played in London. That’s right, 3!
This time around, London gets the Super Bowl-losing 49ers! Unfortunately, they also get the lowly Jaguars, but you can’t have everything.
I pick the Jaguars to beat the spread, by the 49ers will win outright.
New York Jets @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 7
When it comes to winning a game against the Patriots, Jets fans usually have the same feeling that another team would have winning the Super Bowl. It happens with the same frequency and, let’s face it, games against the Patriots are Super Bowl games when your team hasn’t been to one for 45 years. But it’s not all the fault of Jets fans. They just give as good as they get. It’s like BUTTFUMBLE, Buttfumble 2.0, and the cocktail napkin come together in the mind of a Jets fan when they win, and unleash the fury of a pained fan.
Now the Jets go up against the Bengals, who they usually beat but, if they are coming off an abnormal win, they may be diving into an abnormal loss.
I pick the Jets to not only beat the spread, but win outright.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Steelers by 1
It’s amazing that, just when you think the Steelers have all their pieces back in place (strong running back, healthy tight-end, someone for Big Ben to bomb it to), they drop down a gear in order to keep us interested. It’s what seemed to happen against the Ravens last week. Granted, the Ravens aren’t a bad defense at all, but you’d figure the Steelers would try something earlier than 1:30 from the end of the game.
The Raiders are coming off a bye, which is just as good as a win at the moment when your team is 2-4. The good news is the A’s didn’t get into the World Series, so we don’t have to worry about Qualcomm Stadium smelling like a turd roasting in the sun due to backed up waste pipes. We just have to worry about the stadium smelling like a turd roasting in the sun because a fan dropped a turd in the parking lot to roast in the sun.
I pick the Steelers to cover the spread and win.
Washington Redskins @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 13
The impossible has happened. Peyton Manning did not throw for 400 yards in a game, managed to throw another interception, posted a passer rating under 100 for the second game in a row, and the Broncos lost their first game of the season.
Was this the curse of Irsay? Did the reverse psychology the Colts used by honoring Manning at their stadium while he was still alive/playing work? Maybe. Maybe every home team should honor PEyton Manning to trip him up and make him think he already won multiple Super Bowls instead of just one.
It won’t happen this week, since the Broncos are at home and constantly honor Peyton Manning anyway. The Redskins will honor him as well: with their swiss cheese secondary.
I pick the Redskins to beat the spread. Probably barely.
Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 1
It looks like the Falcons can finally latch onto a catch phrase: “We’re not dead yet!”
It’s not going to replace the term, “Diry Birds” but, considering how the team was left for dead only a quarter of the way through the season with 2/3 of their starting offense out, I think 2-4 is a possible whole to climb out of. Seriously, if the Giants think they’re still in the mix, why not?
The Cardinals are in the mix, too. Maybe even more so with a 3-4 record. In fact, the whole NFC West is either 3-4 or above. Considering how the Cardinals have been playing, I think that says more about the teams they’ve played than the Cardinals themselves. Remember, Carson Palmer is still under center.
I pick the Falcons to beat the spread and win outright.
Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Packers by 10
Josh Freeman lasted a whole game with the Vikings before the team looked back on Christian Ponder. Okay, Freeman suffered a concussion, but it’s just a good excuse to get him off the field again. Vikings management has shown it’s fans that, yes, it could be worse than Christian Ponder. Twice now, if you count the Matt Cassel experiment.
Now the Packers come to town, a team that, unlike the Giants of last week, has major offensive talent mixed with a bitter rivalry. This game may be good, but the Vikings are going to have to hold onto the Rodgers train by the nut-hair to keep up.
I pick the Packers to cover the spread and win.
Monday, October 28th
Seattle Seahawks @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Seahawks by 13
Good news, everyone! Percy Harvin will, at the very least, be on the sidelines for this game after his hip surgery. This leads many to wonder, “Will Russell Wilson hurl a ball at Harvin while he’s out of bounds, just to see if he’s alert?”
Probably not, but it would make a hell of a story, especially considering Wilson really isn’t the greatest throwing quarterback. He’d probably have to roll out and around the sideline to keep from hitting Pete Carroll in the head.
The Rams are in trouble, or have saved their season, depending on how you look at it, because Sam Bradford is out for the season. The starting responsibility lands on former Jet Kellen Clemens. Yeah, the quarterback that couldn’t replace Mark Sanchez. The kicker? Clemens’ backup is Brady Quinn, recently released by the Jets since he couldn’t replace rookie quarterback Geno Smith.
It sounds bad, but I’ll pick the Rams to beat the spread. Somehow.