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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Week 9 Picks

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NFL2013w9

 The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!

These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.

RECORD:

53-65

Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)

Technically, the most ridiculous player is probably me. I went 4-9 in picks last week. That’s pretty damn ridiculous, even for me. I know, I don’t blow up the lines, which is probably why Vegas hasn’t called except to find out who I’m picking and shift the line in the opposite direction.

As far as the NFL? Matthew Stafford, quarterback magician of the Detroit Lions, wins this week’s award for MRP. And he wins it for doing something good! See? There’s a first time for everything.

With under a minute on the clock with the Lions trailing the Cowboys, Stafford hustled his team up to the goal-line after a Calvin Johnson catch, and proceeded to fake everyone out by not spiking the ball, but diving over the top of the line for a touchdown. He faked out the defense, his own offensive line, his coach, and may have even faked himself out. Or maybe he just thought that it was fate that the Lions would lay a smack down on the Cowboys in the final seconds and break the hearts of Big Texas.

Whatever the reason, congratulations Matthew Stafford. You are indeed ridiculous.

Thursday, October 31st

bengals_dolphins

Cincinnati Bengals @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Bengals by 1

PICK: DOLPHINS

No team has been see-sawing as much as the Bengals. Last week they demolished the New York Jets but, before that, they didn’t register a double-digit win. Scoring has ranged from the teens to the forty-somethings. Andy Dalton has started playing “Duck-Duck-Goose” with his receivers. So, to say anyone knows how the Bengals will do against the Dolphins is like saying they know how to detect dark matter.

The Dolphins, well, we know what they’ll do. Ryan Tannehill will throw the ball, Lamar Miller will fall down, and Mike Wallace will cry about the lack of attention he’s getting.

All of that field drama means the Bengals will probably win by 1 damn point, so I have to pick the Dolphins.

Sunday, November 3rd

chiefs_bills

Kansas City Chiefs @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Chiefs by 3

 PICK: CHIEFS

What have the Chiefs done to deserve this? They are the only undefeated team in the NFL, they rarely turn the ball over, they have the #1 running back, and yet they only broke a touchdown line once? Something must be wrong with Andy Reid. Or maybe he just knows how to use a quarterback’s strengths, and doop-de-doo Alex Smith’s strength is keeping a game close.

The Bills, on the other hand, are kind of the opposite. They’re 3-5. No one knows who their featured running back is these days. Their quarterbacks are playing tag.

I pick the Chiefs to cover the spread and win.

 vikings_cowboys

Minnesota Vikings @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys by 12

 PICK: VIKINGS

The Cleveland Browns have been tortured by their fans and haters about the quarterback situation, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the issues the Vikings have. They literally need someone to hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson, and can’t even get that right. Christian Ponder -> Matt Cassel -> Josh Freeman -> Christian Ponder -> Josh Freeman… This is like the transaction listing of Helen Keller playing fantasy football.

The real question is: can the Cowboys do it again? Can they go all the way and give a game away to a shitty team? This may be their last chance.

I pick the Vikings the beat the spread, but the Cowboys win.

 titans_rams

Tennessee Titans @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Titans by 3

 PICK: TITANS

Sometimes you just know that a game is barely going to hit double digits. so it goes when two below average quarterbacks go head to head against big defensive teams.

Jake Locker is becoming Michael Vick 2.0 as far as injuries, and Kellen Clemens is becoming the next Sage Rosenfels. I see defensive touchdowns in this game. Unless I fall asleep, which has been known to happen during ugly games.

Titans cover the spread in the win.

 saints_jets

New Orleans Saints @ New York Jets

LINE: Saints by 7

 PICK: SAINTS

Well, the good news for the Jets is that Geno Smith threw 2 touchdowns last week. Granted, they were touchdowns for the Bengals defense, but we can’t bother with details in a rebuilding season.

Now the Jets have to deal with the revamped Saints defense as well as the Breesy Express. Look for brothers Rex and Rob Ryan to attempt a sumo match at the 50-yard line before this game is over.

I pick the Saints to cover the spread with the win.

 chargers_redskins

San Diego Chargers @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Chargers by 1

 PICK: CHARGERS

This game pretty much sums up the plot of Vice Versa starring Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold. Two teams, after getting their hands on a strange skull while in their underwear, switch places for the NFL season.

The Chargers explode on offense and end up metaphorically slashing the tires of their featured running back, Ryan Mathews, every chance they get.

The Redskins are playing below their skill-set in almost every game. RG3 is half the quarterback he was last season.

Will this game be the game that the two teams switch back? I seriously doubt it. This isn’t Hollywood, after all.

I pick the Chargers to cover the spread with the win.

 falcons_panthers

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Panthers by 9

 PICK: FALCONS

No Julio Jones? No Roddy White? No problem…if the idea is that the Falcons will have no problem losing.

It seems that Matt Ryan does need more than a surprise receiver in Harry Douglas and a 30 year old gimp of a running back in Steven Jackson to win a game. White probably won’t be back, and Jackson probably won’t be back to his Rams form yet.

The PAnthers defense, meanwhile, is raking opposing offenses over the coals, especially inconsistent offenses. Add that to Cam Newton running circles around the Falcons defenses and gathering more rushing yards than his running backs combined, and I can guess that this game will give North Carolina something to cheer about until NASCAR starts up again.

I pick the Falcons to cover the spread, but the Panthers win.

 eagles_raiders

Philadelphia Eagles @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Raiders by 1

 PICK: RAIDERS

The Chip Kelly offense made waves early in the season. Unfortunately, Eagles quarterbacks don’t seem to last too long in them. Nick Foles should be back, but for how long? Long enough for the Eagles to gather up another 5 quarterbacks so that they can last the season? We can only hope.

Meanwhile, in Oakland, the Raiders are winning games. Yeah, it surprised me, too.

I pick the Raiders to cover the spread with the win.

 buccaneers_seahawks

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Seahawks by 16

 PICK: BUCCANEERS

Sometimes I think there should be some sort of mercy rule for teams that are 0-5. At that point, it’s almost useless to have them play a game against anyone with more wins than losses.

The Bucs are 0-7. They’ve jettisoned their starting quarterback, and their starting running back was injured and may be out for the season. Add that to the fact that they play the blood-thirsty defense of the 7-1 Seattle Seahawks and you have a reason for Bucs fans to turn to hockey with the Tampa Bay Lightning.

I pick the Bucs to cover. I can’t believe it either, but the Seahawks will obviously win outright and break decibel level records at home.

 ravens_browns

Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Ravens by 3

 PICK: RAVENS

The whole “Worst to First” celebration by Red Sox fans is an amazing thing. It’s like the ultimate high for a sports fan. Just look how excited Chiefs fans are this year.

But as awesome as “Worst to First” feels, becoming “first to Worst” is 10 times as painful. The Ravens are real close to that drop. Last year they were Super Bowl Champions. This year they’re fighting for their lives against the Cleveland Browns.

As far as the Browns, well, it looks like Jason Campbell saw the Craigslist ad for a quarterback and responded. Obviously, Jeff Garcia was too old and shaky.

I pick the Ravens to cover the spread with the win.

 steelers_patriots

Pittsburgh Steelers @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 7

 PICK: PATRIOTS

I remember the days that Steelers v Patriots were bloodbath games. Every time the two teams came together was like a preview of a playoff game, or even the AFC Championships.

Now this game is more like the rivalry between Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer. Sure, it’s an interesting match-up if you like to see which player’s back gives out first but, considering other games, it’s really not that exciting.

I pick the Patriots to cover with the win, with Tom Brady falling and not being able to get up in the end.

 

colts_texans

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans

LINE: Colts by 3

 PICK: COLTS

This was supposed to be the match-up of the year. The up-and-coming Colts taking on the new kings of the AFC South to see if the Manning Legacy continued to haunt the Texans.

Well, the match-up has already been answered. The Texans want nothing to do with the crown, can’t figure out who their running back or quarterback is, and their defense is struggling to stay fresh while their offense gives the ball away.

The Colts have finally balanced offense and defense. I guess Peyton Manning’s salary was “that much.”

I pick the Colts to cover the spread with the win.

Monday, November 4th

bears_packers

Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 12

PICK: BEARS

If there is one thing this game will show the Bears, it is how life will be like with Jay Cutler if they don’t re-sign him. Josh McCown will be hurling the ball around. Matt Forte will lose his clock management runs. The Bears defense will continue to suck. And Devin Hester will become a wide receiver running screen passes because the Bears will be out of options.

The Packers have their own injury problems, with Jermichael Finley out, Randall Cobb out, and James Jones possible out for one more week. So Aaron Rodgers may actually have to grind out a game for once. Go ahead, double-check the stats. Goddammit…

I pick the Bears to beat the spread, but Packers win.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).