The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
This week’s Most Ridiculous Player is not only a player, but not really all that current. I’ll admit, it’s a throwaway gag. I’ve been holding onto the idea for awhile, wondering how I can ever reference it in an amazing way.
But I can’t bring it to light in any amazing way, at least not before it becomes old news, so let me just say it. Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians is the hipster of the NFL.
Just look at the glasses. They’re the exact glasses that have circulated on internet hipster memes for at least two years. The problem is, I don’t know what to make of it. It’s just there, mocking me in plastic black frames.
So, maybe I should award the MRP title to Bruce Arians glasses only.
Thursday, November 7th
Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Redskins by 1
I guess the Vikings are back to Ponder, but I don’t think they went deep enough in the pot to find a better quarterback. Why settle on Christian Ponder when you have such amazing replacements in the free-agent market like… Matt Flynn…and Byron Leftwich…JaMarcus Russell…Matt Leinart…Vince Young. Okay, so maybe Ponder isn’t so bad.
The Redskins have the quarterback position all set. Now if only they could figure out how to play defense again.
I pick the Redskins to score a billion points and cover the spread with the win.
Sunday, November 10th
Seattle Seahawks @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Seahawks by 5
After being beaten down by the Carolina defense, the Falcons now host the Seahawks just to remind them that, yes, it can always be worse. The idea that Steven Jackson may be 50% healthy and Roddy White can run again doesn’t seem to be much of a consolation prize for this former Super Bowl aspiration asphyxiated team.
But…the Seahawks are traveling cross country and, for whatever reason, just can’t get over a 3 hour jet lag. Add that to a defense that’s getting lazy, and we may have an actual game on our hands!
I pick the Falcons to beat the spread, but the Seahawks win outright.
Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears
Good news, Bears fans! Jay Cutler has healed his nut-sack, both figuratively and literally, and may suit up for this game against the Lions. It’s a good time, too, considering Packers fans cursed their own quarterback by talking about Cutler’s mangina.
This makes Ndamukong Suh happy, or, as happy as an enraged wildebeest can be, because he wants to break the best. I mean…BEAT the best. The Lions are hoping to replay the last meeting between these two teams by ultimately knocking Megatron out of the game as well.
In the battle for the NFC North crown and a pick ’em with an even line, (yes, I just said that), I pick the Lions (yes, I just said that, too).
Philadelphia Eagles @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 1
Okay, this is ridiculous. Nick Foles puts on a clinic last week, and Aaron Rodgers gets hurt to make way for Seneca Wallace, a quarterback that has played for 3 NFL teams and counting…this year.
So how are the Packers favored? It’s not like the ghost of Vince Lombardi starts blowing on passes to make them go further. Maybe the city of Green Bay has a dark secret when it comes to the hotel rooms of visiting teams. I’m guessing it has something to do with aerated Resperdal.
I pick the Eagles to beat the spread. Or, win.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 13
It’s hard to think of anything remotely interesting about this game. The Jaguars are so boring that Justin Blackmon lasted only a couple games before being banned for the year for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy…again.
The Titans’ featured running back, Chris Johnson, has raced a cheetah to keep things interesting in Tennessee. Suffice to say, that show won’t be blacked out, but this game probably will.
I pick the Jaguars to beat the spread, but the titans win outright.
St. Louis Rams @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Colts by 10
It’s eerie. Kellen Clemens goes under center for the Rams, and they magically start looking like the old New York Jets: dink-and-dunk, powerful running, and a stout defense. It’s like Clemens holds some sort of, I don’t know, leadership ability. Maybe they call it game management, except pick sixes keep on popping up.
The Colts, meanwhile, just keep winning somehow, even after losing Reggie Mayne. Maybe it’s just Luck. Or maybe I should stop using that horrible word-play.
I pick the Rams to beat the spread, but the Colts will win. By sheer….nah, not again.
Oakland Raiders @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 8
The New York Giants have stumbled into a 2-game winning streak, kind of how they stumbled into a 6-game losing streak at the beginning of the season. So, technically, they may be able to go 8-8 and stumble into the playoffs.
Meanwhile, the Raiders have been tricking fans into thinking they have some sort of relevancy. They may only have a 3-5 record, but most of those 5 losses have been actually exciting, and not just because it kept fans on the East Coast up until 2am one night.
I pick the Raiders to beat the spread, but the Giants will win.
Buffalo Bills @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 3
The Bills look to get off the quarterback carousel this week as EJ Manuel is set to return. That doesn’t exactly mean anything great, but it does mean that the rookie quarterback can continue to learn how the NFL works.
On the other side of the field, Ben Roethlisberger seems to be trying to learn how the NFL works all over again after being worked over by the Patriots defense. Look for the Bills to keep knocking Big Ben down in order to turn their team into a hated rival in London.
I pick the Steelers to cover the spread with the win.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Bengals by 1
It seems like the Bengals are running away with the AFC North by default. The Ravens are suffering the Super Bowl hangover. The Steelers just look hungover. It’s pretty much the Bengals and the Cleveland Browns in the hunt, and it hurts my brain whenever I think about it.
But things could be different. Just switch around the wide receivers, and these two teams would do their own interpretation of the movie Vice Versa.
I pick the Bengals to cover, which pretty much means they win. Unless they only win by 1, which means I’ll be screwed.
Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 6
Looking at the Carolina Panthers and San Francisco 49ers next to each other is kind of like looking at the same image through each lense of a pair of old school 3-D glasses. Except for the color, they’re basically the same.
Mobile quarterbacks with arms? Check. Decent wide receivers? Check. Painful defenses? Check. Running back? Okay, so the 49ers have one up on the Panthers, but that probably won’t lead to high scoring.
I pick the Panthers to beat the spread AND win. Yeah, I said it.
Houston Texans @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 3
Wow. Matt Schaub must be turning over in his grave…er, bed…considering this insane man-love that Case Keenum is getting. Come on. Last week was a loss after all was said and done, and the Texans are almost down to their practice squad running backs. And let’s not forget that Wade Phillips had to replace Gary Kubiak, who took the easy way out of this season by having a heart-attack.
The Cardinals aren’t anything special, but they do have Bruce Arians, a coach that really pulls off the hipster look and is slowly becoming one of my favorite coaches because of it.
I pick the Cardinals to cover the spread and win. Not like they care or anything…
Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Broncos by 7
Peyton Manning was able to take a long, old man nap last week on the Broncos bye, but it’s back to business in selecting which receiver tight-end, or running back to throw the ball to. I wonder if he plays eenie-meenie-miney-mo as he goes through check-downs.
Meanwhile, Phoenix Rivers and the Chargers are still relevant at 4-4, so much so that I will make it a point to replace “Philip” with “Phoenix” until the Chargers’ season ends. Take that, Marmalard.
I pick the Broncos to cover the spread with the win, probably with points to spare.
Dallas Cowboys @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 7
For all the jokes circulating about the NFC East, the teams have really begun to pull it together. At the front of the pack with an actual winning record are the Dallas Cowboys, led by Tony Romo, who has only Romoed a handful of games. Maybe 25% so far, which is better than half by the end of the season. But hey, there are still 6 games to go.
The Saints are pretty much who we thought they were with Sean Payton: scary good on offense. Couple that with Rob Ryan as the defensive coordinator and you have a team that is at least a little scary on defense, and extremely scary-looking on the sideline.
I pick the Saints to cover the spread with the win.
Monday, November 11th
Miami Dolphins @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Dolphins by 1
I’m accusing ESPN of shenanigans leading up to this game. First, the sports network dragged Tampa Bay coach Gregg Schiano through the mud because of his etiquette dealing with Josh Freeman and Darrelle Revis. Now they just broke the big nut about the Miami Dolphins approach to hazing, with Richie Incognito getting into some dramarama with Jonathan Martin.
It was all a set up. The sole purpose of these stories was to hype up this Monday Night game which, without any of these annoying back-stories, would go the way of most Thursday Night games: unwatchable. At least the Bucs will escape a blackout game.
Then again, nothing is guaranteed.
I pick the Bucs to beat the Dolphins, so they’ll beat the spread, too.