The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!
These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.
Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)
The bullying situation in Miami has a ton of “he said, he said” conflicts. Players say the media doesn’t know the culture of the locker rooms. Other players say the culture has to change. It makes my head spin. Full-grown…well, extraordinarily-grown men making millions of dollars are the victims of hazing? These guys do things for years that would break me in half with one snap, and they feel victimized? I’ve seen figure skaters with more grit.
And out of it all rises this week’s most ridiculous player, (former yet?) Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, who has the greatest second name ever but acts nothing like it. Instead of letting the media storm do its thing, he gets into the middle of it by stapling a button-down shirt on and having a full-fledged interview that sums up, “It was just a joke.”
It sure was, Richie, but you hurt Jonathan Martin’s feelings. No cookie for you.
Thursday, November 14th
Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Colts by 3
I don’t know which of these teams is more pathetic. The Colts got massacred by tongue-twister Kellen Clemens and the Rams while the Titans gave the Jaguars their first win in a year. Not just this season. Over a solid year. Sunday, September 23rd, to be exact. Who was that win against? The goddamn Colts.
With two teams grimacing from embarrassment, only one can wash the bad taste out of their mouth with a win. I pick the Colts to cover the spread with the win.
Sunday, November 17th
New York Jets @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 1
The Jets have slowly become the Frankenstein monster of the NFL. Fumble-monster kick returner Josh Cribbs? The Jets can use that. Mini-Gronk turned tight-end paperweight Zach Sudfeld? The Jets have a place for him. Useless wide receiver David Nelson, cut by the Bills? The Jets took that. Broken down safety Ed Reed? Sweet! He’ll go into the Hall of Fame one day…as a Raven. It remains to be seen if this will be the Frankenstein monster that terrorized Switzerland in the Mary Shelley novel, or Herman Munster.
The Bills? Sounds like they should have kept David Nelson.
I pick the Jets to beat the spread and win outright.
Baltimore Ravens @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 3
It’s a good thing that Ray Rice “looks like a little kid in a snowsuit” when he runs, as Matt Vensel of the Baltimore Sun described. He’s going to Chicago, where the moustaches are over-grown and the fatty meats are plentiful in order to fight the coming winter.
Meanwhile, Jay Cutler Jr. aka Josh McCown is making Bears fans wonder why they threw all that money at Jay Cutler in the first place. Maybe it was so they could throw even more money at Brandon Marshall.
I pick the Bears to cover the spread with the win.
Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 6
The battle for Ohio continues. Last time, it was the Browns who won, which could really break the morale of a better team.
Luckily for the Bengals, the Bengals aren’t a better team. They’re just the best in the AFC North by default, because everyone else got old, or bored, or are just the Browns.
I pick the Bengals to cover the spread with the win.
Washington Redskins @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 4
It still boggles my mind how bad the NFC East has become. During pre-season, it sounded like at least 3 teams were going to get into the playoffs. Well, only 3 teams could get into the playoffs from 1 division, but that’s besides the point.
At the end of the day, the NFC East was supposed to dominate. Now we’re not sure if the division winner will have a winning season. It’s looking less and less likely for the Redskins and Eagles.
I pick the…well maybe the…dammit. Redskins beat the spread and win outright.
Detroit Lions @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Lions by 3
Good news, everyone! Ndamukong Suh will not kill anyone in this game. At least, not on purpose. Sure, he may accidentally kick Ben Roethlisberger in the face with his cleats up, but he’s not in the killing spirit this week. He only looks for blood when he’s facing good quarterbacks these days.
I pick the Lions to kill the Steelers by covering the spread in the win.
Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Falcons by 1
So it’s come to this, Atlanta. Your dreams of a Super Bowl this year have diminished into the hope that you do not become the cellar dweller of your division.
Don’t worry, you’re not there yet. The Bucs hold that toilet throne, but if you lose this game it can all be yours.
I pick the Falcons to cover the spread with the win.
Arizona Cardinals @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Cardinals by 7
The Jaguars? Really? Okay, every dog, or mascara-wearing cat logo, has its day, but the Jaguars?
Then again… the Cardinals? Really? Carson Palmer? Can these two teams do some sort fusion dance and become a contender?
I pick the Cardinals to cover the spread with the win.
Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 7
Shame on you, Houston. Not for the treatment of Matt Schaub, or for causing your coach to have a heart palpitation, or letting Wade Phillips take over coaching duties while Kubiak was out, or signing Ed Reed to sit on the bench and grow out his beard.
Shame on you because your team has a worse record than the Raiders. The RAIDERS!
I pick the Texans to cover the spread with the win.
San Diego Chargers @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Chargers by 1
There have been loads of jokes about shoddy offensive lines that are leaky when it comes to blocking, but the Dolphins trump all of those jokes. In the span of 2 weeks, Miami has lost one lineman to suspension, one lineman to injury, and one lineman that went home to his momma. Now they have tight-ends filling in the holes.
Certainly the Chargers can pretend to have a defense under these circumstances.
I pick the Chargers to cover the spread with the win.
San Francisco 49ers @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 3
San Francisco is finally getting excited, because they’re going to do it! After riding an all but dead passing attack with Anquan Boldin, the Niners received a patched up Mario Manningham last week, and may even receive a busted up Michael Crabtree this week! Everything is coming up Harbaugh!
Meanwhile, there was a media frenzy in New Orleans last week when Rob Ryan had a drink with some fans to celebrate a win against the Cowboys. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a handle of whisky on him at all times along with 2 over-coats, a knit-cap under a hood, and an odd lack of shoes.
I pick the Saints to cover the spread with the win.
Green Bay Packers @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 5
The football gods clearly have a sense of humor. 5 weeks ago, this game would have had the Packers favored by a hundred points, easy. Aaron Rodgers? Jordy Nelson? Randall Cobb? Eddie Lacy? Against the worst Manningface since 2009? sign me up for the over.
But the Packers are all hurt, to the point that 3rd-string quarterback Scott Tolziwho is throwing the ball and Clay Mathews has a bowling ball taped to his hand. If there was ever a time for the Giants to make a push for the playoffs and prove everyone wrong, this is the game.
I pick the Giants to cover the spread with the win. Goddammit…
Minnesota Vikings @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks by 12
If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the Seahawks do not like to blow out bad teams. Sure, they’ll go ahead and decimate the 49ers, but bad teams? They’re safe, as long as they run the ball.
Lucky for the Vikings, that’s all they can do. They have to. It’s in Adrian Peterson’s contract that he gets 50 touches a game.
I pick the Vikings to beat the spread, but no way do they win outright.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 8
This is what the elite game in the NFL has come down to. The most improved football team (in a way that is NOT sarcastic, unlike those high school trophies) against the most improved quarterback…who happened to be this good 3 years ago. The undefeated Chiefs against the 8-1 Broncos. The game of the year.
And, unlike last year, I’m not being sarcastic.
Chiefs cover the spread, but get their first loss.
Monday, November 18th
New England Patriots @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 3
The Panthers have silently become the 2nd best defense in the NFL. It’s no surprise. They’ve silently been an elite defense for years. It’s been their offense that kept putting notches in the loss column. This year has actually been better, even though even the water boys can stop the read-option. Luckily, Cam Newton doesn’t really run the read-option much. He looks to throw, and runs if there’s nothing there.
Tom Brady shut the whole world up two weeks ago with a statement game that exclaimed, “I can’t still throw, you assh*les,” and he’ll probably throw here, too, testing both his diminishing talent and the Panthers’ defense.
I pick the Patriots to beat the spread and win outright, because it’ll piss me off and the Patriots love to piss me off.