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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Week 12



 The 2013 NFL season continues as we analyze games, pick winners, and be wrong about everything in our asinine analysis!

These predictions should not be taken seriously by anyone, considering I pick wrong more often than right.



Last Week’s MRP (Most Ridiculous Player)

This week’s most ridiculous player was a tight contest between both Ahmad Brooks and Jim Harbaugh of the 49ers, both due to the same play: the punishing clothesline Brooks gave to Saints quarterback Drew Brees. That was the type of sack that you only see in cartoons, much less expect a quarterback to get up after, re-position his head to his neck, and run 3 more plays before allowing the kicker to come on for a game-winning field goal.


Jim Harbaugh was almost given the MRP award after he failed miserably in his appeal of the penalty, with a few lip-read words to the officials followed by a hand gesture where he doesn’t quite choke himself by his shoulders. However, we opted to give Harbaugh the benefit of the doubt for once considering he didn’t have the same camera angle that viewers had: up in Brees’ face as his neck was stretched out like an ostrich.

Thursday, November 21st


New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Saints by 9


I’ve never seen a team go from first to worst like the Atlanta Falcons. Think I’m exaggerating? They got blown out by the Buccaneers last week. That’s right, blown out by, not blew out. They have taken the mantle of the worst team in the NFC from the former champions, and don’t show any sign of giving it up for the rest of the season. Especially since the Falcons are playing the leaders of the NFC South this week, the New Orleans Saints.

If the Bucs can score 41 points against the Falcons, I suspect the Saints can get into triple digits.

I pick the Saints to cover the spread x 50, but since I only have to give 9, I will.

Sunday, November 24th


Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Browns by 1


Ben Roethlisberger has squashed rumors of his alleged request to be traded from the Steelers. While I can’t say for sure if this is true or not, I suspect that if it were true, the Steelers would have threatened to trade him to the Browns.

Unfortunately, for the Browns, this led to talks of a possible contract restructuring where Ben has stated that “I will do whatever it takes to stay here and be a part of this team and help this team win.”

I pick the Steelers to beat the spread and win outright.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 10


How about them Bucs? After becoming the laughingstock of the NFC, again, they have taken a season rife with quarterback controversy, broken star running backs, and overall bad ticket sales to get into the running as most improved team in their division. It may not mean much considering how far the Falcons have fallen, but it’s a step in the right direction.

The Lions have also found themselves in a surprising hunt, as they strive to take the NFC North. Will this mean they will finally win another playoff game? time will tell.

I pick the Buccaneers to beat the spread, but the Lions will win outright.


Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 5


It’s amazing that, even with a back-up quarterback, a back-up tight-end, a back-up wide receiver, and a backed-up record in the NFC North, the Green Bay Packers are still favored to win over the Minnesota Vikings? Are they really that deep in their bench, or are the Vikings really that bad this year?

Look for Adrian Peterson to literally be run into the ground in this game.

I pick the Packers to cover the spread with the win.


San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: Chiefs by 4


It seems that my Phoenix Rivers moniker did more harm than good, as the Chargers quarterback has dropped his output in order to drop the ball into Ryan Mathews hands. It’s as if Norv Turner is secretly coaching the team from Cleveland with a Mike McCoy mask.

Meanwhile, the Chiefs have finally lost. Not won, like we would have been saying last season, but lost. As in, 1 loss for the season. My head is spinning.

I pick the Chiefs to cover the spread with the win.


Chicago Bears @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Rams by 1


It would be Jay Cutler’s luck that the Bears would rally to a Super Bowl while he’s hurt. With the Packers reeling and the Lions being the Lions, it could happen with Josh McCown at the helm, which means that Bears fans will be quick to send Cutler farewell letters as they boot him out the door.

Sam Bradford doesn’t have that problem with his injury. He just has to hold out hope St. Louis doesn’t trade the team for another soccer team.

I pick the Bears to beat the spread and win outright.


Carolina Panthers @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Panthers by 5


I’ll admit it. I’m starting to believe in the Panthers again. Cam Newton is actually winning games instead of of just padding his Superman stats. The defensive line is as stout as the days of Julius Peppers. They’re winning. so, yeah, it’s not a big stretch. Unfortunately, I don’t have my Panthers cap from the expansion year, which is good considering it looked eerily like a NASCAR cap anyway.

The Dolphins, meanwhile, have nothing to believe in except that Tannehill hates Mike Wallace. It’s the only explanation as to why their 60 Million Dollar Man has 44 receptions for 534 yards and 1 touchdown for the season.

I pick the Panthers to cover the spread with the win.


New York Jets @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 4


Geno Smith is officially the new Jekyl and Hyde act of the NFL. One week he’s leading the Jets past the Patriots in an overtime victory, the next he’s throwing pick-sixes like a lottery addict. Another week, he’s leading the Jets past the Saints, the next he’s getting blown out by the Bills.

The Ravens are equally as random, but at least they have an excuse. They won the Super Bowl last year, something the Jets haven’t done in 100 years.

I pick the Jets to at least beat the spread, and maybe even win outright.


Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans by 10


I’m probably giving the Jaguars too much credit, but I think they may finally be on a roll. I don’t expect them to actually win for the rest of the season, of course, but I finally can believe that they will beat double-digit spreads. That’s improvement!

The Texans are improving as well, although coach Gary Kubiak may still be on some heavy meds considering he benched Case Keenum for Matt Schaub last week.

I pick the Jaguars to beat the spread, probably barely.


Tennessee Titans @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Titans by 1


In a game that will be watched by almost no one, the Titans back-up quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick takes on Raiders back-up quarterback Matt McGloin match up to see who may be given the reign of their respective teams this year. Considering Jake Locker is still injured, and Terrelle Pryor is just being flat out benched, my vote is going to McGloin to be next year’s quarterback bust for the Raiders.

I pick the Titans to cover the spread with the win.


Indianapolis Colts @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Cardinals by 3


The Colts are unsurprisingly at the top of the AFC South. It’s a good thing, too, because if they weren’t, Colts fans would probably remember that their team traded away a first round draft pick to have Trent Richardson walk into the defense over and over again.

What is surprising, however, is that the Carson Palmer-led Cardinals are in the wildcard hunt. Apparently, Bruce Arians’ hipster glasses are working. Now he’ll put that “whatever” attitude to the test against his former team.

I pick the Colts to beat the spread with the win.


Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants by 3


All of a sudden, the giants have ripped off 4 wins in a row to really torture their fans. The 0-6 start was pretty bad, prompting the yearly “Fire Coughlin” and “Bench Manning” chants. Now that they’ve beaten the a line of teams that have problems ranging from injuries (Packers) to overall horribleness (Vikings), the Giants are up against the team that started their losing streak: the Dallas Cowboys.

Will the Giants win, or will Tony Romo screw up and give the game away? Time will tell.

I pick the Cowboys to beat the spread with the win.


Denver Broncos @ New England Patriots

LINE: Broncos by 3


Arguably the greatest quarterback rivalry of the past decade, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady will once again fight to the death on their way to respective playoff berths. Broncos VS Patriots. Sunday Night Football. Wes Welker’s return to Foxboro. Nothing could ever hurt the expectations of this epic game.

Then came the promo poster, featuring Dexter Morgan and a 60 year old Peyton Manning.


NBC Sports

Never say never.

I pick the Broncos to cover the spread with the win.

Monday, November 25th


San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins

LINE: 49ers by 6

PICK: 49ers

Out of all the teams that have run the read-option, no one should be better at defending against it than the 49ers and the Redskins. They literally have to deal with it during every practice, even if their quarterbacks rarely run it anymore.

What does that mean? It means that the teams will rely on regular, boring passing and running. Passing to absolutely no one, and running their beast backs. I’ll be surprised if this game hits 6 points, never mind being won by 6 points.

I lie. I pick the 49ers to cover the spread with the win.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).