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Asinine Analysis Fantasy Football Kicker Rankings 2014

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matt_prater2

It’s fantasy football draft month, and you know what that means: countless ranking sheets that make you so dizzy that you end up drafting Chad Johnson in the 6th round. Don’t be embarrassed, we’ve all been there. Granted, I’ve only been there when testing out what retired players are still available so I can troll mock drafts, but still, been there.

But don’t worry. I have, right here, the definitive rankings that will guarantee that you at least beat me in fantasy football. Whether or not that translates into beating anyone else is up for debate. This is Asinine Analysis.

We begin our rankings with the position that is usually drafted dead last: kicker.

Captain Obvious: Matt Prater, Denver Broncos

photo: Christopher Hanewinckel-US PRESSWIRE

photo: Christopher Hanewinckel-US PRESSWIRE

When a team has Peyton Manning as quarterback, there is going to be a lot of scoring. When there is a lot of scoring, there are a lot of extra points. When there are a lot of extra points, a kicker gets a lot of points in fantasy football.

It’s a basic formula when ranking a kicker for fantasy football, which is part of the reason that Matt Prater is our #1 kicker. When you factor in that Denver is so high (both above sea level and legally high) that a kicker like Sebastian Janikowski could probably make a field goal from his own 10 yard line due to the thin air, Prater’s value goes up even further.

Oh, and he broke the record for longest field goal last season with a 64-yarder at Sports Authority Field, aka Mile High Stadium.

Better Than Oscar Pistorius: Whoever Wins the Tennessee Titans Kicker Sweepstakes

photo: SB Nation

photo: SB Nation

Ranked so low that you probably won’t even bother drafting is the kicker for the Tennessee Titans. Who is that? Who knows at this point? Who cares at this point? I know that doesn’t count as an actual selection, but it really doesn’t matter.

After letting Rob Bironas go due to salary cap issues and the idea that they don’t need to spend much on a kicker when they probably won’t get very close to field goal range anyway, the Titans are having a kicker competition between Maikon Bonani, who couldn’t unseat Rob Bironas last year, undrafted rookie Travis Coons, and this dirty-ass shoe.

believeintherun.com

believeintherun.com

Currently the shoe is in the lead, no matter what Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt says.

Remember the Name: Nate Freese, Detroit Lions

nate_freese1

photo:: Mike Mulholland/MLive.com

While the comparisons between Detroit Lions rookie kicker Nate Freese and Baltimore’s Justin Tucker are anything but interesting because, seriously, they’re kickers. They’re the smallest players on the field, they have the least amount of playing time, and they are expected to be point machines.

But for the sake of fantasy football rankings, there are some reasons that the unknown Freese will be better than expected. For one, the offense-heavy Lions should give Freese a pile of attempts, both in extra points and “just couldn’t get it into the end-zone” field goals. It should also be noted that Freese comes from Boston College, so he won’t be afraid of that weird white stuff that constantly falls in other NFC North cities whose stadiums are not in a dome.

Have questions about kicker rankings? Seriously? Or just want to tell me how ridiculous my rankings are, or that I started with kickers in the first place? Go ahead and comment, or email me at editor@sportsjeer.com.

 

Fantasy Football Rankings 2014
Kickers
Player Team Rank Bye Week
Matt Prater DEN K1 4
Steven Hauschka SEA K2 4
Robbie Gould CHI K3 9
Mason Crosby GB K4 9
Stephen Gostkowski NE K5 10
Shayne Graham NO K6 6
Adam Vinatieri IND K7 10
Phil Dawson SF K8 8
Matt Bryant ATL K9 9
Ryan Succop KC K10 6
Nate Freese DET K11 9
Justin Tucker BAL K12 11
Nick Novak SD K13 10
Alex Henery PHI K14 7
Dan Bailey DAL K15 11
Blair Walsh MIN K16 10
Nick Folk NYJ K17 11
Graham Gano CAR K18 12
Shaun Suisham PIT K19 12
Greg Zuerlein STL K20 4
Kai Forbath WAS K21 10
Mike Nugent CIN K22 4
Jay Feely ARI K23 4
Dan Carpenter BUF K24 9
Sebastian Janikowski OAK K25 5
Caleb Sturgis MIA K26 5
Randy Bullock HOU K27 10
Josh Brown NYG K28 8
Connor Barth TB K29 7
Josh Scobee JAC K30 11
Billy Cundiff CLE K31 4
whoever TEN K32 9
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About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).