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Asinine Analysis Fantasy Football Defense Rankings 2014


photo: Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

It’s fantasy football draft month, and you know what that means: countless ranking sheets that make you so dizzy that you end up drafting Chad Johnson in the 6th round. Don’t be embarrassed, we’ve all been there. Granted, I’ve only been there when testing out what retired players are still available so I can troll mock drafts, but still, been there.

But don’t worry. I have, right here, the definitive rankings that will guarantee that you at least beat me in fantasy football. Whether or not that translates into beating anyone else is up for debate. This is Asinine Analysis.

We continue our rankings with the second most useless position in drafts: defense.

Captain Obvious: Seattle Seahawks



The Seattle Seahawks defense held Peyton Manning’s Wild Ride to one touchdown in Super Bowl XLVIII while adding in a safety and pick-6 to make sure the domination was complete.

The 2014 season may be more of the same. The schedule for the Seahawks includes hosting the Denver Broncos and Green Bay Packers, then gimmie games with the Dallas Cowboys, New York Giants, and Oakland Raiders.

Better Than Tackling Dummies: Dallas Cowboys


So you thought the 2013 Dallas Cowboys defense was the worst? You are wrong. The 2014 Dallas Cowboys defense will be the worst.

Either that, or head coach Jason Garrett and owner Jerry Jones plan to secretly dowse the opposing team with sleeping gas like an old “Batman” episode. Why else would they let DeMarcus Ware leave?

The Revenge of the Hits: Houston Texans


Photo: Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

I’ll admit, I was sucked in by the Texans defense last year, but it wasn’t all my fault. Who would have known that quarterback Matt Schaub would be a touchdown machine… for the other team?

Now Schaub has been exiled to Oakland, and defensive end J.J. Watt is joined by rookie linebacker Jadeveon Clowney, whose combined power will probably snap an arm or two in a pass rush from the left side. And let’s not forget that last year’s strong schedule is this year’s cream-pie, complete with games against the Raiders, Giants, and Browns along with the entire AFC South.

Have questions about defense rankings? Or just want to tell me how ridiculous my rankings are? Go ahead and comment, or email me at


Fantasy Football Rankings 2014
Defense/Special Teams
Player Team Rank Bye Week
Seahawks D/ST SEA DEF1 4
49ers D/ST SF DEF2 8
Broncos D/ST DEN DEF3 4
Cardinals D/ST ARI DEF4 4
Rams D/ST STL DEF5 4
Chiefs D/ST KC DEF6 6
Panthers D/ST CAR DEF7 12
Bengals D/ST CIN DEF8 4
Bills D/ST BUF DEF9 9
Patriots D/ST NE DEF10 10
Jets D/ST NYJ DEF11 11
Ravens D/ST BAL DEF12 11
Texans D/ST HOU DEF13 10
Browns D/ST CLE DEF14 4
Buccaneers D/ST TB DEF15 7
Saints D/ST NO DEF16 6
Steelers D/ST PIT DEF17 12
Lions D/ST DET DEF18 9
Colts D/ST IND DEF19 10
Bears D/ST CHI DEF20 9
Titans D/ST TEN DEF21 9
Packers D/ST GB DEF22 9
Eagles D/ST PHI DEF23 7
Chargers D/ST SD DEF24 10
Giants D/ST NYG DEF25 8
Falcons D/ST ATL DEF26 9
Jaguars D/ST JAC DEF27 11
Dolphins D/ST MIA DEF28 5
Vikings D/ST MIN DEF29 10
Raiders D/ST OAK DEF30 5
Redskins D/ST WAS DEF31 10
Cowboys D/ST DAL DEF32 11


About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).